


Between Maybes

by gelsxx



Category: TWICE (Band)
Genre: Angst, Drama, F/F, Fluff and Smut, Post-Band, Romance, post disbandment
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-21
Updated: 2020-03-02
Packaged: 2020-03-08 21:07:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 21,292
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18902677
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gelsxx/pseuds/gelsxx
Summary: 3 years after Twice’s disbandment, Nayeon and Mina met again in a complex time of their lives, with Nayeon being a soloist based in Korea and Mina a choreographer and a dance studio owner who’s now living in Japan. Could they both tie up the loose ends they have left in the past or just remain to be each other’s constant what if’s?





	1. First

**Author's Note:**

> A tragic fic for a tragic ship like Minayeon. uwu.
> 
> I RARELY PROOFREAD SO IM SORRY FOR THE ERRORS IF THERE'S ANY.

“Fucking hell.” she hissed in frustration as she dropped the lighter on the cold marble tiles of the comfort room. Nayeon reached for the pack inside her back pocket and let the stick rest in between her soft plump lips. Lighting it as she rest her back softly on the white painted wall. She inhaled and paused momentarily as she feels the smoke enters her lungs, feeling the slight burn in her throat despite it being mint flavor. It never fails though, to calm the throbbing pulse that’s threatening to bore her skull.

 

Nayeon looked up, and saw her reflection on the full mirror in front of her. She was wearing an oversized hoodie matching it with faded jeans, feeling more comfortable, she prefers casual clothes more than the usual outfit she wears in every stage, which are a little revealing for her liking.

 

She took a step forward and leaned closer, she was still wearing makeup but the creases above her eyebrows were still visible. She lightly traced the skin under her eyes, a shade darker than her white porcelain skin, evidence of sleeplessness, stress, emotional distress (?). _“Fuck, when did I get so old?”_ she thought to herself feeling a little insecure suddenly as she pressed her back on the wall once again.

 

She shook her head lightly as she took another puff, taking her time but she can’t really stop the thoughts running through her head. Nayeon is tired. Maybe tired is an understatement. _She is restless._ She used to LIKE _this._ She used to LOVE _this._ Hell, she DREAMT of _this_. But she can’t deny the fact that as time goes by, she feels that _this_ is just sucking the life out of her. She feels suffocated, trapped and exploited even.

 

But she can’t really complain now, can she? EVERYONE FUCKING LOVES IM NAYEON. THE STAGGERING IM NAYEON. Singer, performer, model, influencer, ~~former twice member~~. Name it all. She can do. She’s basically perfect (in the eyes of her fans at least). As one reporter said and she quote, “An actual Angel”.

 

She scoffed, glancing once again at her reflection. She is NOTHING like that. If they only knew that the FORMIDABLE IM NAYEON they basically painted inside their heads is NOTHING like her, _at least not anymore._ Nayeon - this Nayeon staring back at her is unsure, jaded, spent, anxious and everything in between. She winced as she remembers the thought of having to fake her confidence in every stage, every award shows, every public appearances. _When and how did she turn out like this?_ She doesn’t know or maybe she does but she doesn’t have enough stored energy to think about that right now.

 

“Nayeon?” a slow knock on the door broke the train of her thoughts. There was a pause and another soft knock. She purposely didn’t acknowledge it at first but the knock was persistent getting louder until it was harder to ignore. Nayeon groaned, obviously frustrated because _fuck this is her only time for herself after an almost 2-hour set, is 15 minutes too much to ask?_ She threw the butt in the trash can on her side and sighed, slowly making her way through the door.

 

“Yes?” she offered a little smile to her Manager.

 

“Someone’s looking for you,”

 

Brows furrowed in confusion, she waited as her Manager continued. “I let her wait for you inside the dressing room, I just need to talk to some organizers. If you need something just send me a message, alright?” and in one swift move her Manager was gone. Nayeon stood on the doorway though, confused more than ever.

 

Who’s _her_? She don't really remember inviting a friend or anyone to her concert. She shrugged, making her way to the not so empty corridor, smiling and bowing to every person that she bumped into. Whoever this visitor is must be important enough for her manager to just let her wait around in her own private dressing room.

 

She knocked carefully and she froze the moment she opened the door, mouth agape, one hand gripping the door knob tighter the other leaning on the door frame desperate for something to hold onto because her knees seemingly forgot how to function properly.

 

She was aware of the look of horror plastered on her face. Until the younger woman in front of her took a step and offered her that ever so familiar gummy smile.

 

“Hello, Nayeon unnie.”

 

And then it turned into a look of confusion.

 

“Mina…” She said just above a whisper.

 

Nayeon’s heart was beating so hard she thought it might actually jump out of her chest. Mina. Myoui Fucking Mina is here. Thousands of emotions was running through her whole being. She was tired and it took her a lot of effort to not just collapse right then and there.

 

To say that she wasn't happy to see Mina would be a lie, she is ecstatic. She should be ecstatic. Yet, her body failing to show her emotions. Mina, her friend, her ex-member, the person she see almost everyday for almost 8 years is here. But remembering the last time she saw the girl 3 years ago and how it went was the one thing holding her back from just crashing Mina with a tight hug.

 

Taking a deep breath, Nayeon tried her best to calm her nerves before closing the door behind her.

 

“...you're here.” she continued.

 

“I’m here.” Mina giggled this time. Making Nayeon heart flutter. As if the heavy thumping of her heart wasn't enough.

 

She looked passed Mina expecting to find someone with her.

 

_It was after a year of Twice’s disbandment. Nayeon wasn't the most proud about how it ended up, she hated it, even blaming herself for fucking it up for everyone. A year after and here she is, in a car on her way to her scheduled photoshoot for a makeup brand. She heard her phone ring and quickly fished it inside her bag. The name on the screen made her smile._

 

_Jeongyeon and Nayeon kept in touch. Of course they did. They were each other's best friend. Jeongyeon was like a sister. With Jeongyeon, Nayeon felt protected, understood, and loved. They were each other’s rock and Nayeon is more than thankful that she stayed in her life._

 

_It's not too long before Jeongyeon was ranting about her work, being an MC in one of the famous talk shows is also a pain in the ass apparently and Nayeon just giggled teasing her best friend as she absentmindedly stare at the busy streets._

 

_It wasn't until Jeongyeon swerved the topic - completely out of nowhere that Nayeon almost choked on her americano “Have you heard? Mina and Momo are living together now. Just the two of them.” she said matter of factly. “Well, that's according to Jihyo.”_

 

_And then there was silence. Gripping her phone tighter on her ear, Nayeon stayed mute, she wanted to ask, wanted to say something but nothing came out. As if acknowledging that she touched a sensitive topic, Jeongyeon laughed awkwardly and continued rambling about a certain coworker._

 

“It’s just me.” Mina said as if reading her mind, meeting Nayeon’s eyes for a moment but the older quickly looked away.

 

She nodded in response, hiding her trembling hands to the insides of the pocket of her hoodie. “I see.”

 

Nayeon gestured for them to occupy the small round table, eyes just shyly looking over her side to get a glimpse of the younger one. But it wasn't long enough before they are sitting face to face and it had given Nayeon the opportunity to really look at Mina this time.

 

 _Unfair_ she thought. After all these years, Mina is still breathtaking. How she managed to still look effortlessly beautiful with almost no makeup on and not to mention keep her shape is beyond her. Her dark hair chopped off just barely passing her shoulders. Her bangs is gone, revealing her cute forehead, Mina hated it anyway. Mina still looks young for her age. Granted, she's only what? 26 years old? But the girl looks almost the same 5 years ago. When her gaze stumbled across the moles scattered on her perfect face, her stomach almost backflipped. Nine, there were nine of those.

 

She still don't understand how people thought she was the most charming Twice member when Myoui Mina exists.

 

“Mina, what are you doing here?” she breathed out, leaning backwards slightly.

 

The younger girl placed her right elbow on the table, head cocking to the side as she pressed her chin on her palm.

 

“Well, I wanted to see the _very famous_ Im Nayeon.” her tone wasn't mocking, it was laced with sincerity, amusement.

 

Nayeon shook her and and scoffed to herself. “Did you…?”

 

“Yes I did,” Mina confirmed and Nayeon wished she could hide her flustered face. Mina visiting her is one thing but knowing that she watched her full concert made her kinda shy. She looked down and made a face how the fuck does Mina still has this effect on her.

 

“When I heard you're going to have a concert here in Osaka, I knew I have to go, I knew I have to see you,” she continued. “You did good by the way. You look great.”

 

There was a different vibe to the younger girl. If it was Mina and Nayeon talking 5 years ago it would be the other way around. It would be Nayeon who’s poised and collected and Mina would be meek and timid as she always is. But this Mina is unshaken, her new found confidence clearly stirring Nayeon off guard.

 

The words leaving the younger one doesn’t help either. Was she implying that after all these years, she wanted to see Nayeon suddenly?

 

“Thanks. You don't look so bad yourself.” Nayeon replied. Offering a small smile.

 

“How are you? It’s been so long.” she said, hands now clasped on the table. Her brown orbs scanning, waiting.

 

“Im fine,” Nayeon answered, hoping the other didn’t catch the slight waiver in her voice. “More than fine. How about you?”

 

They stared at each other for a while, letting Nayeon’s question hang around in the silence of the room. The room is spacious but as the second goes by the more Nayeon felt the walls cramping her up, smothering her. Or maybe it’s just her heart constricting thanks to the girl in front of her.

 

But that didn’t stop Nayeon to lower down her gaze to Mina’s nose, that perfectly bridged nose, a mole on its top left corner. And then her mouth, her small mouth with soft plump lips, and those moles surrounding it. That lips she has touched before, kissed before - lips that was... _This is dangerous_ Nayeon thought to herself.

 

“Are you busy?” Mina asked swiftly, “Forget it, of course you are. Uhm, but do you have some free time? To you know, maybe go somewhere and catch up?”

 

She almost saw a trace of the old Mina there as she rambled briefly. Mina who’s always bashful but nonetheless self-assured. Until, the younger one regained her composure, eyes never leaving Nayeon’s.

 

Nayeon was searching something through those brown orbs. She wondered how Mina could be so smug about this. Like nothing happened during those 3 years that they were apart, living their own life. And god knows what happened to Mina during those years. She doesn’t even know who this person was anymore. All she knows was that the girl is a choreographer _(claimed once again by Jihyo)_ and is now living with Momo, her best friend. Their bestfriend. Even though Nayeon was sure she couldn’t call Momo that anymore.

 

“What do you have in mind?” she asked.

 

“There's a bar 10 minutes away from here. A drink or two would be nice."

 

Nostalgia is a fucking bitch, she thought. Her mind is racing, memories flashing before her eyes briskly. Memories that she chose to bury deep down at the solitary confines of her mind. Memories that she wasn’t sure even happened.

 

But she couldn't stop herself from remembering. Suddenly, she’s 22 years old again, young and reckless, drunk by the thought of having her life in her grasp.

 

How Mina and Nayeon with alcohol was _never_ a good combination.

 

She couldn't stop herself from remembering that night she once shared with the girl in front of her.

 

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

 

“Unnie?” Mina called out in the darkness of their room, the dim light of their phones reflecting their faces.

 

“Hmm?” Nayeon glanced at the girl flopped on the bed beside her. She turned off her phone, discarding it on her night stand, the sole source of light were gone and Nayeon had to squint, barely making out the shadow of Mina’s face.

 

“Don’t you think it's weird?” she said more so to herself, Mina wasn't moving, just staring at the ceiling, hand fiddling with her penguin plushie. Nayeon waited for her to continue. “That I will turn 20 years old soon and I still haven't even kissed someone.”

 

And this is the part where Nayeon would laugh. Where Nayeon would tease Mina and pinch her cheeks and tell her how cute she is. Until she heard the other girl whine, turning around and burying her face on her pillow. Clearly distressed.

 

Nayeon stood up and made her way to Mina’s bed. Nudging the girl to scoot over so she can squeeze herself. Thing is, the bed wasn't that big for the both of them so Nayeon struggled before finding a comfortable position, their bodies innocently flushed against each other.

 

Mina still has her face buried on the pillow and Nayeon turned to her side, hands found their way to Mina's soft locks, caressing the girl assuringly.

 

“Hey, it's not weird at all,” she bit her lip. Honestly, Nayeon wasn't the best at pep talk especially if this was the topic. Yes, she was confident and probably one the most open member amongst them but this, this is something that Mina and her never really talked about.

 

Most times, they would talk about how they missed their family, even their dogs but never these kinds of things. It's not that she's not comfortable talking about it with Mina, but she would always find herself looking for Sana or Jeongyeon when it comes to these kinds of matter. She guessed that maybe it wasn't really just a part of their dynamic.

 

So she was being extra careful, she let her hand rest on Mina’s shoulder caressing the tense muscle before she continued, “You don't really have to rush. My first kiss wasn’t really memorable as I thought it would be, I thought before that first kiss would all be butterflies, you know like in the movies? but one day I just said to myself fuck it and got it over with, and it was sloppy, and wasn’t nice at all.” she chuckled to herself but Mina wasn't responding.

 

Nayeon closed her eyes and mentally kicked herself because she probably not making any sense right now and is nowhere close to being helpful. _So much for being extra careful_. She sighed, “Anyway, point is, rushing wouldn't help. I’m sure there's a lot of boys who would want to be Myoui Mina’s first kiss.” she smiled, accentuating her last sentence.

 

Silence wasn’t something new to them. It was comfortable, warm. And Nayeon knew Mina is one of the very few people that could make her usual babbling self to mum.

 

“Would you do it?” Mina asked quietly, so quiet that Nayeon wasn’t sure she heard it right.

 

“I...What?” Nayeon wasn’t meaning to sound appalled, or anything like that. But this is Mina. Mina who is perfect. Mina who is elegant. Mina who could probably never do wrong in her life.

 

“Sorry, nevermind I asked,” Mina said quickly sitting up, hiding her face on the palm of her hands. “What am I saying? This is so embarrassing.” she continued shaking her head.

 

Nayeon stared at her for a good minute, biting her lip, weighing her choices where her next step would either make or break their friendship and she knows it. She wasn’t opposed to kissing Mina, if she’s being honest - _it’s just a kiss_. But once again, this is Mina we are talking about and she couldn’t and wouldn’t risk what they have.

 

All sense of judgement were out the window though when she catches Mina trace her bottom lip with her tongue slowly, biting it and then pouting. A habit that was once inconspicuous, now making Nayeon’s heart tug involuntarily. _Fuck it._

 

“Alright, I’ll do it.” she said.

 

“Yeah?” Mina raised her eyebrows, and Nayeon was sure she heard the hint of excitement in her voice. She couldn’t help but wonder if Mina had previously thought about kissing her before they were in this position.

 

Nayeon nodded in response. The other girl was eyeing her expectantly, brown orbs never leaving Nayeon’s. Waiting, wanting. She sit up and and leaned her back on the head board, stretching her legs, gesturing Mina to sit on her lap. _Alright, if Mina really wants her to do this, might as well never hold back._

 

It was awkward for god’s sake. Mina’s legs both on the side of her thighs, fingers toying the hem of her shirt. Skins flushed against each other. The younger girl’s mouth is just inches away from Nayeon and she could just lean in and close the gap right away, get it over with, like what she did with her first kiss with a random boy in her high school. But she didn’t. Nayeon has this urge to make Mina feel good. Satisfy her even.

 

“Put your hands right here,” she said, guiding her cold hands to her waist, “Is it okay to put mine here?” she asked as she palmed Mina’s nape. The younger girl only nodded.

 

And then she guided Mina down, closing the gap. Soft lips touched hers in a split second. It was a quick peck, she barely felt Mina’s mouth on hers.

 

“Okay?” Nayeon inquired, searching her eyes. Mina hummed, “Again.” she whispered.

 

Mina was the one who leaned in and this time, the kiss lingered. Taking their time to feel each other’s lips. Mina tastes like watermelon while the older girl taste like mint. Nayeon’s heart was pounding immensely at this point, her skin burning causing her to sweat profusely. But she can’t back down now, can she?

 

Nayeon softly brushed her palm on the roots of Mina’s hair, getting bolder as she moved, trapping Mina’s bottom lip and sucking it. She felt Mina jerk and her lips shiver slightly and Nayeon pulled away abruptly. _Shit._

 

Mina’s eyes were hazy, the fingers that was once resting on her waist was now grasping her tightly. She clearly looked flustered and Mina didn’t even bother hiding it. Instead, she rested her forehead against Nayeon’s.

 

“More.”

 

It wasn’t a question. It was more of a demand. A desperate one. And they were too further down this hole might as well dig deeper.

 

And deeper they went. Nayeon connected their mouths for the third time, the idea of just giving mina a kiss is now long gone. This time, she just wants to make her feel good. Make her feel good because of _her._

 

They started slowly, continuing where they left off with Nayeon giving Mina a lingering kiss. Then she started moving, sucking her bottom lip only this time she poked her tongue out and grazing it just _slightly_ earning a sigh from the other girl.

 

Nayeon wanted to hear it again. And so she moved both of her hands, caressing Mina’s jawline, guiding her as she tilted her head to deepen the kiss. Her tongue prompting her mouth to open and when she did, Nayeon wasted no time swiping her tongue and tasting Mina.

 

Mina is arguably the fastest learner in Twice and Nayeon wasn’t surprised when soon enough Mina’s tongue was meeting hers. It was warm and amiable and Nayeon was enjoying it too much. Enjoying how Mina lets out a breathy sigh when she nibbles on her tongue. Enjoying how Mina’s cold hands were caressing, tugging, grasping the hem of her tank top, occasionally brushing the exposed skin that made Nayeon skin burn further.

 

Air was a necessity and shortly they were panting hot breathes against each other, lips still grazing, eyes both hooded. Nayeon lets out a low chuckle, “Not bad?” she asked with a smirk, lips still touching Mina’s.

 

The younger flashed her a smile that reveals her gummy teeth, “I like your lips,” she said. Nayeon didn’t anticipate what Mina was about to do though and she could swear she could just die right there and then when she quickly sucked her bottom lip, nibbling it with her tongue before releasing it with a pop, “It’s full and soft.” she continued, kissing Nayeon once more on her cheek before resting her forehead on her shoulder. Nayeon swallowed the thick lump on her throat, trying hard to calm down her heart that was about to burst out of her chest. She was glad Mina could’t see her unnerve state.

 

Closing her eyes, she let herself focus on the warmth that is Mina, with her soft breath hitting her cheek. They stayed there, hugging each other for a few minutes before Mina muttered a soft and shy _thank you_ with a kiss on her forehead.

  
  


They didn’t talk about it. Hell, they didn’t talk to each other at all. It’s been weeks and they didn’t even care to mention what happened nor acknowledge it. Mina doesn’t look bothered from the looks of it and Nayeon is far too focused on their schedules to sulk on Mina’s lack of reaction. But that’s what she is, she might as well deny the problem than confront it, she knows herself. And she know damn well that Mina is the same.

 

So she ignores it. Ignores the frustrating ache she feels when Mina flashes everyone that gummy smile except at her. Ignores the slight pang on her chest when Mina looks at everyone except her - _like she wasn’t there._ Ignores the way Mina ignores her. And eventually, ignoring Mina entirely.

 


	2. Old Habits Die Hard

“Relax,” Mina flashed a small smile before taking a sip of her ginger beer, “No one’s going to recognize you here.”

 

Nayeon was being cautious of her surroundings. Legs crossed under the table fidgeting every now and then. Eyes, scanning, observing. Until now, she couldn’t quite grasp the reality. Mina is here in front of her, drinking casually, brushing her hair up with her fingers occasionally - when she was sure she would never ever see her again.

 

She sighed and gave Mina a nod letting out a breath she was holding.

 

“You see, this is what I like about here. It’s discreet but not dingy.” she added.

 

It was a decent bar, Nayeon thought. Dim blue and purple lights illuminating the room with oil paintings hanging on the wall. Jazz playing in the background. What Nayeon like best though was the people seem to mind their own business. It’s a nice change because no one seems to be bothered by her presence unlike when she’s in Korea where she tries her best to be low-profile but failing every single time.

 

“But I don’t remember that you like beer,” she gestured to her drink, “Or jazz.”

 

Mina giggled softly, “Hey, I did,” she leaned on the table eyes meeting Nayeon’s, “Maybe you just didn’t pay attention then.”

 

Mina’s last sentence were accentuated, somehow teasing or _accusing_ but maybe it was just Nayeon giving it another meaning. So she ignores it like she always did.

 

A stare off was nothing new if they were Mina and Nayeon 5 years ago. But looking at her unwavering eyes now, imbuing confidence, curiosity, _yearning_ makes Nayeon want to choke words that she wants to say, words she kept to herself for years. It was disarming and she feels herself shrink even further the hole of her emotions.

 

“Oh,” Nayeon managed to answer, swallowing mouthful of words, “But I sure did pay attention that time we drank beer and you threw up all over Jihyo.”

 

Mina scrunched up her nose, “Please don’t remind me that. I’m happily living my life not recalling half of it, thank you. Besides, that doesn’t mean I didn’t like it.” she cocked her head to the side raising her eyebrow.

 

“Fair enough. I just thought you prefer cocktail is all.”

 

‘No, no. That was Momo.”

 

_Momo._ It was the first time her name was mentioned. Oddly enough, it pulled a string in Nayeon’s heart and before she could stop it, a streak of questions were rapidly coursing through her brain like a marathon. _What’s between you and Momo? Are you together? For how long? Are you in love with her? She can’t help it, the words are seeping through her nerves._

 

“So you and Momo,” she winced the moment she let the words slip. Biting her lip, she peered at the girl carefully.

 

“What about Momo and I?” she asked, voice stern, _challenging._

 

“You know what I mean.”

 

There was an awkward tension in the air, at least for Nayeon but she narrowed her eyes when she saw Mina’s reaction - _or lack thereof._ Nayeon lost count of the times silence engulfed them. Until the other sighed and broke it.

  


“I guess it was only natural, you know,” Mina smiled this time. It was a beautiful smile. A smile that Nayeon wished she could capture and treat as a memento, “Momo, Sana and I, we only had each other then. We stayed and lived with each other. Until Sana pursued her acting career and before we knew, it was just Momo and I.”

 

Of course Momo is the reason of that smile. _Of course._

 

“The studio was her idea. I was reluctant at first but she was persistent, said I would be a good instructor and all.” she paused, took another sip and continued, “Plus, we would still be enjoying our passion. She travels a lot more often these days with all the choreography gigs and stuff. Can’t be mad though, it helps for the image of the business.”

 

Nayeon didn't miss a single word that passes Mina's mouth. How Momo and Mina were the only ones that stayed with each other after the disbandment. Eventually living together on their own and trusted each other enough to be business partners. And she silently agrees, it's only natural, Mina and Momo has a lot more common denominators than her and Mina.

 

She also didn't miss the possibility that Momo isn't around that's why Mina is here. The possibility that she doesn't even know that they are together, right now, at this moment. _It all make sense._

 

“So are you _together_?”

 

“I guess you could say that.”

 

Mina confirmed nonchalantly as if the question were asked too often and the answer was already rehearsed. Nayeon knew the answer before it was asked, but it still leaves a bad taste in her mouth.

 

“Enough about me, how about you?”

 

“What about me now?”

 

“How do you do it?” she asked making a gesture with her finger, “Everything. By yourself. If I were in your position, I would probably go crazy.”

 

_~~By yourself.~~ ~~Crazy~~. Words that would probably best describe her. Yes, Mina, you’re right. I’m alone and all fucked up in the head._

 

“You make it sound so bad,” Nayeon answered, “You get used to it, at some point.”

 

_Lies._

 

“Right. Sorry,” she shook her head, “You’re doing extremely great. Everybody loves you.”

 

_But not everyone that matters._

 

They ordered another round before deciding to leave. The cold winds outside made Nayeon shiver. Rubbing her hand and blowing hot breath on her palm before hiding it inside her jacket.

 

“Let me drop you off to your place. Come on.” Mina offered, opening the car door.

 

“I’m not even sure you can drive in _that_ state, Mina,” Nayeon flashed her a worried glance, “Let me call my manager to pick us up.”

 

“No,” Mina whined, “I'm not drunk, alright? Don't underestimate me now.” she gave Mina another glance before sighing and made her way to the passenger seat.

  


The drive to her hotel was quiet, not one of them dared to say a word, the faint music in the background made Nayeon’s eyes flutter as she gaze on the half crowded streets of Umeda. Bright lights from tall buildings illuminating the sky like stars twinkling, akin to a constellation.

 

She peered at the girl next to her, one hand gripping the steering wheel the other rubbing the back of her neck. Eyes fixed, plump lips pursed as she focused her attention on the road. Nayeon had seen Mina with the same expression plastered on her face countless times before. While she was focused during their monthly meetings inside the conference room of JYP. While she was examining, listening to their choreographer teaching them sharp dance steps for their next comeback. While she was on her phone, too engrossed on whatever game she was addicted to that time. _Nayeon always notice, she was there, observing silently._ But Mina doesn’t have to know that. It was a fascinating sight. Really. And Nayeon wouldn’t think twice to drop everything just to know what’s on Mina’s mind every time.

 

_Mina is a puzzle Nayeon has yet to solve._

 

Her mind was floating like a paper bumping from one memory to another. She felt weightless, powerless, so Nayeon let herself wander more. How they all used to joke around those times whenever one of them would pass and get their license - that they would drive each other around Seoul in a huge car where all nine of them would fit. But of course that _never happened._ And definitely will not happen anymore. Nayeon’s heart constrict at the thought, suddenly it became harder to breath. Panting, she held her chest rubbing slightly on her pulse point. _Not now, please._

 

“Hey,” Mina spared her a wary look before turning back to eye the road, “Are you okay?”

 

Nayeon hummed looking away hoping Mina missed her pained expression.

 

“Here, drink some water.”

 

They arrived at the hotel and Nayeon held her breath. _This is it_ , she thought. It’s gonna happen, sooner than later. She thought about it while they were inside the dressing room. How the girl showing up also means Mina and Nayeon has to part ways, _again._ It’s always like this with Mina. Being with her was like a free trial for something _too tempting_ in which Nayeon can’t refuse. The only difference was, with Mina, it only lasted for a few hours. Leaving her craving for more. _It’s hard to crave what you can’t have._

 

But Nayeon has nothing to lose at this point. Emotions flooding her whole being. _Possibilities._

 

_I wonder when I will see Mina again._

 

So she wanted to drag it. Drag the time, stretch it. _I’ve got nothing to lose._

 

“Wanna come inside?” she offered.

 

Mina gave her a look which Nayeon couldn’t read. _Please._ Eyes weren’t leaving hers and it takes so much for her to hold the gaze. Mina turned to look at her watch and nodded. _She let out the breath she was holding._

 

She opened the door to her suite. The room was huge for a sole person to occupy. She would never forget to remind her manager to request for a smaller one but it always end up being too spacious for her liking. The vast space of the room often makes her cringe, as if reminding her that she’s isolated from the world. It’s suffocating. _The irony._

 

She glanced at the younger girl whose eyes are scanning the room. Small framed pictures of Nayeon were set above the small table beside the television. A welcome note attached to it. She squirmed, _she has to remind her manager about that too._

 

She made her way to the fridge to get something to drink. She feels a pressure building from her stomach, sweat dripping down her neck for a reason she was aware of but doesn’t want to acknowledge.

 

_Mina with Nayeon. Inside her hotel room. Alone._

 

“Champagne or soda?” she asked, cocking the side of her head.

 

Mina made a face before flashing a shit eating grin.

 

“Living a healthy life, are we Unnie?” _Stupid Mina and her stupid smile._ “Give me that.”

 

“Not until you promise you can drive yourself home.”

 

“We’re still alive, aren’t we?” Mina rolled her eyes this time, taking the half full glass, “Like I said, don't underestimate me now. Admit it, I’m a great driver.” she added and Nayeon wished she could wipe that smirk off of her face.

 

“Whatever you say, Princess.”

 

It slipped. A habit that Nayeon wasn’t aware she has yet to break. A habit that has started during one of their concerts as a group, where they joke around calling Mina princess and Nayeon proclaiming herself as her prince. It developed until it was stuck. A habit that she pushed further down her mind to forget. But she never did.

 

She was standing there gawking at Mina whose expression was once again unreadable. Looking at her, blankly. _I’m sorry._

 

Nayeon looked away sheepishly, shifted from one foot to another and made her way to the balcony. Opening the window to let the cold air fill the room. She breathed out heavily and fished the pack from her pocket.

 

“Do you mind?” she asked, stick already trapped between her lips.

 

Mina gave her a look then shrugged, “So you didn’t quit?”

 

She sighed, looking over the remarkable view of the city in front of her, “Old habits die hard.” she said, more so to herself, smiling defeatedly hoping Mina missed that too.

 

“Wow, we really did change huh?” Mina commented after a while. Nayeon looked over and saw Mina curiously looking through the fan letters she received earlier from the airport. One particular photo caught her attention as she smiles and waved it off to her face. “Look.”

 

It was a picture of nine of them during the Cheer Up era. A small note under it _“Always remember where you came from.”_ with heart doodle around it. They look so young and innocent. Too naive from the cruel world. _And who made them wear those outfits again!?_

 

“God, my bangs were hideous!” she cringed and Mina was laughing now and Nayeon can’t help but mimic the girl, “Hey, don’t be like that. It’s unfair when you still look the same.” she added slightly pouting.

 

“I don’t look the same,” she narrowed her eyes, “I got...fatter” she trailed and Nayeon coughed on her drink before laughing violently holding her stomach. Mina was just standing there, blinking.

 

She gave her a bewildered look, “Mina, you can’t be serious right now,” she replied, biting the inside of her cheek to stifle another chuckle, “You’re far from being fat.”

 

“Alright, alright,” snatching the photo from Nayeon, “The hair. The color changed.”

 

Nayeon only scoffed, pouring their glasses for more champagne.

 

“But you’re right, you changed.” Mina said, occupying the leather couch.

 

“How so?” she asked, passing Mina her glass and made herself comfortable beside her. This is the closest they’ve been for years, physically, _maybe emotionally too._

 

“I don’t know, you seem quieter. More reserved.”

 

“Yeah?” prompting the girl to continue. Nayeon turned to her side looking at Mina this time as she did the same. They were so close that Nayeon could see her flushed cheeks, neck painted red in color. So close that she could smell the hint of jasmine. _Mina’s favourite._

 

“Yeah, and you seem to be more observant now. To add to that, you can now keep yourself in one place for more than thirty seconds.”

 

“Right. I guess that’s a part of growing up.”

 

“You sound like a 60 year old woman, jeez. You’re not old.”

 

“Then...just older than I used to be.”

 

Mina hummed before taking another sip. Nayeon was looking at her. Didn’t miss how Mina’s lips touched the glass almost too slowly, how she gulped, neck arching slightly.

 

“You changed a lot too,” she said, Mina looked at her with curious eyes. Nayeon shrugged as she continues, “You’re more chatty now. And must I add, more open.”

 

“Was I not?”

 

“Well, not to me.”

 

“Elaborate.”

 

“You’ve always been timid, if I could remember. Shy isn’t the right word, maybe guarded? Especially when I’m around,” Nayeon met Mina’s eyes, it’s the nth time of the night they shared a gaze. Only this time, Mina’s expression was giving her a hard time to continue speaking. With her head cocked to the side, she’s looking at her almost peculiarly, like she already know what words will pass through her mouth. A thick lump on Nayeon’s throat is starting to form, “And if you’re not stuttering, you’re rambling. Remember that one time whe-”

 

“When I was in love with you?”

 

She blamed it on her second glass of champagne. Blamed it on the beer she chugged before deciding to leave the bar earlier. Blamed it on the 3-hour sleep she had the night before. How she suddenly feels dizzy, really, it’s just the champagne.

 

Senses were gone, the image of Mina in front of her starting to fade as she closes her eyes and massages the bridge of her nose. She felt her body crumbling, tired of remembering, tired of everything.

 

_And what the hell was Mina saying again?_

 

“You what?” she managed to utter over eight years worth of memories seeping through every fiber of her body.

 

_Funny how all the memories comeback when you’re trying so hard to forget it._

 

“So you really didn't know,” Mina said, almost sounded defeated. _Almost._ “Maybe I wasn't that obvious like they said, after all.”

 

“They?” Nayeon was looking at Mina like a deer in headlights. “What do you mean they? Who-”

 

“All of them apparently, except you.”

 

“Jihyo?”

 

Mina hummed.

 

“Jeongyeon?”

 

“Her too.”

 

Suddenly, every word that was uttered all sinked in to her, as if drilling it one by one in her throbbing temples. And she froze from her seat, looking at Mina with vanquished eyes. The lump on her throat getting thicker, threatening to spill in forms of guilt and regret.

 

“Mina - I...I’m sorry,” she managed to say. Hiding from Mina’s unfeigned eyes. _What a shame._ “I was stupid and confused and just stupid. I’m sorry, Mina. I didn't know - god.”

 

Her breaths were getting labored. Tears threatening to fall as she covers her face with her palm. She was sure her heart skipped when she felt cold hands pushing away hers. Digits caressing her jaw.

 

“Hey,” she said, tracing the outline of her cheeks, Nayeon closed her eyes, trying to steady the heavy thumping of her heart. This is the first time Mina touched her for a long time and it took so much in her not to lean in to her hands, “It's alright, no need to apologize. It was a long time ago.”

 

Right. She was in love with Nayeon. _Was._

 

Her inner debate with her conscience were instantly pushed aside when Mina rested her forehead against hers. Lips just inches away from touching. _Habits._ It's all too familiar and consuming. They have been in this position many times before. And she knows that if she jumps now, she’ll fall. Hard.

 

“I- If you'll excuse me.” she said, abruptly standing up making her way to the kitchen. She sighed, leaning on the sink. Easing the ache on her chest. This night made her feel conflicting emotions in a short span of time - _it makes her sick_. But it’s not Mina and Nayeon if there’s no complications in between. A fact she had accepted a long time ago.

 

She trembled when she felt hot breath against her shoulder, “Everything all right?”

 

“I-I’m fine, just tired.” she replied, without looking at Mina.

 

She jolted when she felt her hand pushing her hair aside. Soft lips brushing on the side of her shoulder.

 

“What are you doing?” she asked just above a whisper as she turns around and met Mina’s gaze.

 

And before she knows it, the lips were on hers. She stood there solidified, like an inanimate object. Until Mina moved just slightly. She shuddered as she closes her eyes. The kiss was so gentle, careful and it was all too compelling. Familiarity taking over as they move with each other effortlessly.

 

_Mina still tastes like watermelon and Nayeon still tastes like mint._

 

They pulled apart slowly, catching up their breathes. Hazy eyes searching for the younger ones but couldn’t find it. Mina was looking down, as if finding the floor too fascinating suddenly.

 

“Mina,” she trailed, fingers brushing her chin, seeking those brown orbs.

 

Mina looked away swiftly and Nayeon was sure she saw a hint of something - ache, shame, regret. _Maybe._

 

“It’s time for me to go.” she said, briskly turning around making her way to the door. Nayeon followed her hurriedly - _dignity be damned_.

 

“Mina, wait!” grasping the hem of Mina’s shirt as if it was her last grip to sanity. Nayeon gave her a pleading look. A look that means _please stay._

 

Mina only sighed and offered her a smile that didn’t reach her eyes. A look that also means _I can't_.

 

“Will I ever see you again?”

 

“Probably.”

 

Mina and her probablys.

 

And with that, Mina was gone. And Nayeon was all alone again. Still somehow unable to fully process the eventful night that transpired. Maybe it didn’t happen and Nayeon was just imagining it. _Yes, she’s losing her mind._

 

But when she went back, she saw two unfinished glasses of champagne on the table. A hint of jasmine in the air.

 

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

It was a bad idea. She had to blame Sana for merely suggesting it and Jeongyeon and Jihyo for agreeing.

 

Everyone is such a lightweight for god’s sake. Well, except for Jeongyeon and her. It's such a rare instance where Nayeon would get drunk and needs at least 3 persons to take care of her, much like Jeongyeon. But often times, they try their best to be sober for two reasons - first, it’s such a waste of opportunity, seeing their members get drunk doing _god knows what_ and taking a photo or video of it, then showing it to them the next day over aspirin and coffee. _Oh the reactions._ Secondly, they are the ones responsible to tend to the younger ones’ needs when they’re out like a light.

 

Nayeon was so out of it. Toying the bottle of cold beer with her hands. _Why am I so pissed?_

 

Definitely not because of the girl she was eyeing the whole night - wearing a loose sweater and ripped jeans, revealing a fair portion of smooth skin. Or the way she was chugging glass after glass of alcohol with a stupid grin on her face, Sana and Dahyun cheering her on. Or the way she was snuggled up too close to Momo, the older Japanese pushing off the younger one’s bangs casually. _Not that._

 

“Something bothering you?”

 

Nayeon yelped, looking over her side, “God, you scared me.”

 

Jeongyeon just shrugged, “You need to relax.”

 

“Im relaxed, just thinking.” she said and she hoped she didn't sound too defensive.

 

She gave Nayeon a knowing look before replying, “Whatever you say, Unnie.”

 

_I’m relaxed_ , she repeated to herself. She looked up and met Mina’s eyes observing her. She quickly looked away downing her beer. _Maybe not._ Swallowing hard, she felt the alcohol sting her throat and she winced. Wiping the trail of alcohol on the side of her lips, she looked at her side and saw a pair of piercing eyes still staring at her. She felt a coil in her stomach, skin burning as she rolled her eyes. _Now she’s more than pissed._ _Who the fuck Mina does she think she is?_

 

The game of Nayeon-and-Mina-doesn’t-exist-in-each-other’s-world they are playing was infuriating to say the least. One day Mina would be all smiley at her, the next day she would pretend as if Nayeon does not exist. Just like what happened on Mina’s birthday where they tried so hard to be casual when they turned on the V-Live app, even went as far as joking about kissing Mina. The next day, just like that, they ignored each other once again, as if having a selective blindness only for one specific member.

 

She shook her head trying to get rid of her provoking thoughts. _I’m not letting her ruin this night or the following nights anymore._ She talked to Jeongyeon for a while before Jihyo joined, passing them another bottle. They were too focused on their conversation that she almost missed Mina - _obviously tipsy_ \- trying so hard to straighten her body almost too funnily, shuffling, eyes meeting Nayeon’s, walking towards her with a smug expression.

 

It was just mere seconds, but Nayeon felt as if it was stretched for hours. Nayeon’s body stiffened, ears deafening, eyes narrowed at _her_.

 

“Shit.” she heard Jihyo hissed and before she knows it, Mina was in the leader’s arms. Too drunk to even let herself up. Nayeon scoffed.

 

_Yeah, it was a bad idea._

 

Carrying Mina piggyback style was a bad idea she thought, as she made her way to their shared hotel room.

 

_“She’s your responsibility.” Jihyo said, voice firm._

 

_“But-”_

 

_Jihyo glared at her and Nayeon could only sigh. Jihyo can be a little pushy sometimes. Nayeon couldn’t blame her, she probably read between the lines._

 

“Wanna come inside?” Mina said, grinning dumbly, flashing her that famous gummy smile.

 

Nayeon kept a smug face, “Mina, this is my room too.” she replied, flatly.

 

Brows furrowed, Mina was confused for a moment, “Oh, right.”

 

She watched Mina waddle on her way to the bed and flopped face down on the pillow. _And of course they had to share a king size bed._ _Great_. She saw the younger one struggling to take off her shoes, so she leaned down lifting one leg with her, “Let me help you with that.”

 

Mina muttered a quiet thank you before flopping on the soft pillow once again.

 

Nayeon made her way to the bathroom deciding to do her routine. When she get back, she gasped when she saw Mina just wearing her underwear, jeans discarded messily beside the bed. Looking away quickly, she went and covered Mina with a blanket.

 

She made herself comfortable on her side of the bed. She couldn’t help but glance at the younger girl beside her, scanning Mina’s face. They were just inches apart and Nayeon could feel her steady breathing. _Mina is really beautiful, she thought. Too pure for this world._ She mindlessly counted the moles scattered on her face and for a moment she forgets all the complications they have.

 

Nayeon averted her gaze on the muted ceiling, pushing aside the thought of a half naked Mina sleeping beside her. She closed her eyes for a while but for some reason she couldn't sleep, so she sat up and scrolled her phone.

 

“What’s bothering you?” someone muttered in the darkness of the night and Nayeon nearly jumped out of the bed, quickly turning on the bedside lamp.

 

“What the hell?” she sneered glaring at Mina, “Go back to sleep or you’ll get a much worse hangover tomorrow.”

 

Mina sat up, brushing her eyes, “It’s hard to sleep when someone is tossing and turning on my side,” she turned facing the older one, “So are you gonna tell me what’s bothering you or what?”

 

Nayeon is staring at Mina with probing eyes, trying hard to discern what’s the younger girl’s agenda. She hated it, how Mina could look at her innocently with those eyes feigning concern probably and her lips pouting, like she didn’t shut her off for weeks. _Now she has the audacity to ask what is bothering her? Why does she care? And how does Mina could form a coherent sentence at this point?_  


“Nothing.” she said dismissively, eyes fixed on her phone.

 

“You need to loosen up.” Mina muttered as she reached, soft hands touching Nayeon’s shoulder. The older one quickly snatched her wrist to stop her.

 

“What the- what are you doing?”

 

“What does it look like I’m doing? You’re so tense so I’m giving you a massage.”

 

Nayeon sat there dumbfounded, both arms on her side as Mina continued her ministrations. The younger one adjusted after some time, sitting up and situating herself between her thigh. Nayeon had to avert her gaze when her top hoisted up to her stomach, revealing her underwear.

 

She was dazed when she felt Mina sink on her thighs, feeling the thin fabric against her skin. Her heart was pounding against her chest, so hard she thought the other girl might hear it. She met Mina’s eyes, soft digits still kneading and stroking the muscle on top of her collar bone, slowly making its way to her neck. She felt beads of sweat starting to form on the corners of her forehead.

 

“Mina,” she sighed when trailing hands reached the base of her neck and then her jaw, caressing softly.

 

Mina leaned in, eyes never leaving hers as she pressed their foreheads together.

 

If there is something Nayeon hated so much in this world, it’s losing control. She hated it - how her body fails to act in her own accord whenever a certain girl was with her. She wants to shove Mina away, yank her hands and stop her. Yet, here she was, stupefied by the fact that Mina was so warm and soft against her.

 

“Shh,” Mina hushed almost inaudibly, finger brushing her slightly parted lips. The tension in the air is so palpable that Nayeon had to close her eyes.

 

_You’ll be the death of me_ , she thought, when soon enough their lips met. It was languid yet demanding. Lips and tongue meeting in harmony. This kiss was different from what they shared the first time. Somehow, it's more carnal and it’s making Nayeon stomach tighten.

 

Nayeon broke the kiss and began leaving open mouthed kisses on Mina’s jaw, nibbling on her ear. She didn’t miss how the younger one bucked her hips and released the faintest whimper when she lightly sucked a soft spot near her pulse point.

 

Mina pulled her again for another mind numbing kiss. It was messy, tongues meeting sloppily, hot breathes against each other.

 

_It was almost strange when you give it a thought. Mina sitting on top of Nayeon in this hotel room. Making out like a pair of horny teenagers. Who would’ve thought?_

 

Nayeon can feel Mina shyly bucking her hips now, grinding on her left thigh. So she flexed her muscle upwards just a little to add more pressure and Mina sucked on her lower lip, teeth grazing.

 

The younger girl guided Nayeon’s hand to her hips, “Hold me, please.”

 

So Nayeon did. Gripping the hem of her shirt, thumbs brushing the protruding bone every now and then.

 

The kiss were getting messier, all tongues and tiny whimpers against each other. Mina was bucking her hips harder and Nayeon didn’t miss the now damp fabric against her thigh.

 

Nayeon had to open her eyes this time, looking up, the image of Mina made her groan.

 

Mina with her eyes shut, brows furrowed, mouth gaping. Mina who’s biting her lip when she grinded down rather hard, holding herself back from the moans.

 

_It was truly a mesmerizing sight._

 

It was all too tempting how Mina arched her neck slightly and Nayeon wasted no time nibbling and sucking. And almost instantaneously, Mina froze, shivering slightly before collapsing like a jelly in her arms.

 

There was moment of silence before Mina kissed her cheeks and whispered a _thank you._

 

_What the hell just happened?_

 

Suddenly, it dawned on her, like buckets of ice pouring off her body. How this would be another mistake Mina would regret after. Leaving Nayeon hanging once again, making her feel like it was her fault. _That’s how she is, right?_

 

_She have never felt more used._

 

The high was gone and she briskly stood up, took her robe and completely ignored the puzzled girl on the bed.

 

“Where are you going?”

 

_Anywhere far away from you._

 


	3. No one has to know

It has been a few months after her little affair with her ex member. Affair, Mina cringed at the word, hand gripping tightly around her mug. _It wasn’t like that at all_ , she convinced herself.

 

“Are you alright?” gentle voice pulling her out of her thoughts. Momo made her way beside her as she leaned down and kissed her temples softly, “You’ve been a little distracted since I got back.”

 

Mina couldn’t help but bit her lower lip and hummed as she tilt her head to give the older one a better angle, “I-I’m fine, just a little disappointed that you’re leaving again,” she replied. _It wasn’t completely a lie but wasn’t the full truth either._

 

“I’m sorry, you know how it works. But I’ll be back in no time, I promise,” Momo murmured against her jaw as she smiled, caressing the nape of Mina’s neck, “I’ll make it up to you when I get back.”

 

“I know. But it’s still hard,” Mina replied, slightly pouting as she leaned in to Momo’s touch, “I miss you when you’re not here.”

 

Momo giggled as she pressed their lips together, it was sweet and warm, Mina couldn’t get enough of it. “I always miss you too, love.”

 

Mina could only take in the sight of Momo as she made her way to the kitchen, promising she would cook bacon and eggs with lots of ketchup - _as Mina preferred_ \- to make her feel better.

 

And she contemplated on how did she ever get so lucky.

 

Her heart peculiarly shrink down to her stomach, twisting, tightening.

 

_Momo doesn’t know._

 

_*_

 

She tried to abandon the thoughts of Nayeon in the back of her mind by busying herself in the studio.

 

But it was harder than she thought because _Nayeon was everywhere._

 

She was in the huge billboards beside the tall buildings on her way to the office, in the magazines Mina distractedly thumbs during her pampering day in the salon, in the mall posing for a perfume Mina used to like, in the commercials in between Mina’s favourite television shows.

 

_So she just simply conceded and accepted the fact she couldn't escape the girl._

 

“Good morning Ms. Myoui,” her new secretary bowed fidgeting from her position.

 

Mina smiled softly, “Just call me Mina,” she’s not one to care for formalities anyway, “And what is it?”

 

“Someone’s looking for you,” her secretary replied, “She said she’s an old friend.”

 

Mina gave her an amused smile before nodding. _“An old friend”_ she scoffed lightly on Sana’s choice of words. She could be a little dramatic sometimes. Mina couldn’t hide her excited expression at the thought of Sana _finally_ visiting after numerous invitations as she strolled down the hallway. Besides, she could use a friend at times like these, when Momo’s not around.

 

Except it wasn’t Sana.

 

“Nayeon,” Mina uttered completely baffled, eyes widening so much so it could fall out if its pockets. There was pause, until Mina gained her semblance, yanking Nayeon into her office. Eyes scanning the area before closing the door behind her.

 

Brown orbs darting to the girl standing sheepishly, she sighed, “Nayeon, what are you doing?” voice just above a whisper yet firm, “You know you can’t be seen here, right?” she didn’t mean for her voice to sound _harsh_ but _what the hell?_

 

“Don’t worry,” she replied almost flatly, “Nobody noticed.” Nayeon shifted from one foot to another and made a gesture with her finger.

 

The older girl was donning a black parka, a bucket hat and face mask - a poor effort to be discreet. _It’s such a waste hiding that perfect face._

 

Mina cursed under her breath, Nayeon couldn't be serious right now, right?

 

“Nayeon, what are you doing here?” Mina chewed her lower lip to refrain it from quivering. Brown orbs following the other girl’s movement around the rather spacious room.

 

Nayeon finally took off her mask, she looked way younger without makeup on and it reminded Mina of those _good old days_ when they were trainees. Nayeon was mindlessly roaming, eyes searching before finally fixing to a framed picture of Mina and Momo on her desk. Mina only observed and didn’t miss the slight clench of Nayeon's jaw, “I-I just want to see you, I guess.”

 

“By flying here to Japan?”

 

“Oh - no, no,” Nayeon shook her head lightly, “I have to attend an appointment later and,” she gave her wrist watch a quick glance before continuing, “Based on my schedule, I still have around 45 minutes left to spare.”

 

Mina didn’t bother to move nor reply, she just stood there feet seemingly planted on the floor.

 

Nayeon averted her gaze again on the framed pictures and made her way to the side of the room where _Momo’s desk_ was located. Mina squinted and saw how the other girl’s fingers brushed on the hard wood and took another framed picture with her hand.

 

“When was these?” she asked with a little smile, holding a photo collage of her ex-members.

 

Mina gingerly walked towards her, soft shoulders faintly brushing against each other, “That’s Sana’s first movie premiere,” Mina recalled, flashing a little smile, “Unfortunately, only Jihyo, Dahyun and I was able to attend. The others have something scheduled on that day.”

 

Nayeon hummed urging her to continue.

 

“While this one’s from Dahyun’s birthday,” Mina chuckled and Nayeon raised an eyebrow, “An interesting night that was.”

 

Nayeon smirked this time, looking at their picture with Dahyun obviously _wasted_ , “I bet.”

 

Mina couldn’t help but smile until she stumbled upon a picture of her ex-members _almost complete_ , the only one missing was the girl standing almost too close beside her, “That’s- That’s from Vegas, two years ago I think?” Mina bit the insides of her cheek, risking a glimpse and only saw curious eyes nailed at the picture of Momo hugging a beaming Mina from behind, “We decided to take a vacation and celebrate after the studio opened.”

 

Nayeon nodded with a dull expression on her face.

 

“You didn’t come,” Mina uttered silently, eyes never leaving the framed pictures, never escaping the fact that there was no trace of Nayeon in _any_ of those.

 

“I didn’t think I was invited,” Nayeon replied, flatly and Mina awkwardly shifted on her feet before the other girl let out a faint laugh, “Just kidding. I was busy, I guess.”

 

Mina scoffed to herself. Nayeon couldn’t be that busy during those three years to not even accept a _single_ invite. _Mina knew better._

 

“Are you sure that’s the only reason?” she brooded.

 

Nayeon looked up and met her eyes, “It’s complicated” she replied.

 

 _When was it not complicated?_ Mina wanted to ask but deciding to dismiss the topic.

 

“Nayeon,” she sighed this time, eyes laced with curiosity, “What are you _really_ doing here?”

 

Nayeon chipped on her lower lip, one hand clenching the corner of the hard desk, “Mina I-I,” she stuttered before letting out an audible breath, “I couldn’t stop thinking about what happened last time. I couldn’t stop thinking about you, Mina,”

 

Mina only watched as the older girl’s lips tremble as she vomits words after words not resembling in the tiniest bit the Nayeon she once knew - _confident and composed._

 

_Mina couldn’t help but ponder just how much of Nayeon she loved before was still there._

 

“..and about what you said,” Nayeon’s voice almost sounded distressed now, “And I-I really think we need to talk. Like really talk.” she gulped.

 

Mina could only stare back with those pleading eyes and she noticed that they were so close and Nayeon’s lips was just a breath away from hers, that she could just-

 

“Nayeon,” she let out a breathy sigh when the older girl pressed their foreheads together. Mina closed her eyes gathering all the rationality she still have left, “I-I don’t think that-”

 

Mina’s breath hitched when Nayeon closed the _almost non-existing_ gap between them, shuddering ever so slightly at the older girl’s touch. Nayeon moved slowly caressing her cheeks assuringly, leaving Mina breathless.

 

Mina whimpered when Nayeon’s full lips travelled down the lines of her jaw, slightly nibbling and leaving open mouthed kissed on the soft skin. She let her hands travel down into Nayeon’s jacket, digits fumbling the hem of Nayeon’s shirt as she was further pressed against Momo’s desk. _Momo._

 

“Nayeon we-” she bit her lip to cease a whine threatening to spill when Nayeon started nibbling on her earlobe, “Nayeon we ca-can’t,” she pushed her shoulder lightly, “Not here.”

 

Mina exhaled when Nayeon finally stopped her ministrations. Hazy eyes met as they both pant catching up their breathes. For a moment, there was silence, only the muffled voices outside the room and their chest beating rapidly.

 

“I-I need to take this,” Nayeon said breathless as she grab her ringing phone inside her jacket.

 

Mina just stood there gaping, clutching the table for some sort of logic as she listens to Nayeon inaudibly talk to who she supposed was her manager.

 

“I’m sorry but I need to go,” Nayeon said disappointedly, “But I-I’ll be staying here for a few days to attend some events,” she swiftly draw something on her pocket before continuing, “This is where I’ll be staying. I’ll give you some time to think about it.”

 

Mina could only sigh when Nayeon planted a gentle kiss on her forehead before fixing her clothes and exiting the door.

 

It was after two days that she found herself in front of Nayeon’s hotel door. Scoffing bitterly to herself on how Nayeon seemed to wipe out any proper judgement she have left to spare.

 

She knocked softly before grabbing her phone from her bag.

 

A message from Momo. _“Hey love, sorry I wasn’t able to call you earlier. I’m out at a restaurant with some managers to eat Jokbal! I can’t wait. How are you doing? I miss you, call me.”_ her heart dropped to her stomach and cursed herself. But before she could even retreat, Nayeon appeared on the other side of the door.

 

“Mina?”

 

_Momo doesn’t have to know._

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

“Shit,” Mina hissed as she was pressed against the cold wall of the dressing room. Nayeon already on her mission to make her a shuddering mess as she licks and nips on her neck, trailing on the delicate spot below her left ear.

 

Mina wasn’t sure how she and Nayeon ended up twisted and tangled in intricacies with occasional soft whimpers and neck bites.

 

But she was sure how it started.

 

It started with a shy smile and her broken korean, trying her best to introduce herself as a new trainee from Japan.

 

“Hello, My name is Mina. I’m from Japan.” eyes warily scanning unfamiliar faces, shifting one foot to another. She sighed when two rather polite girls flashed their smiles at her. Learning eventually that they are japanese too. Mina suddenly felt relieved.

 

But she didn’t miss those two piercing brown orbs from the corner of the room, almost scrutinizing. Mina could only shrug.

 

The name was a word of mouth, trainers and trainees alike. _Nayeon._ Apparently, the girl could never do wrong. Mina only listens, fairly curious as to how they describe her. _“The ace_ ” is what always come out of their mouths.

 

Mina could only gape at the girl as she stomps her foot, hips never missing a beat as she sways her hips through the music. Murky eyes glancing at her co trainees once in a while, a cunning smirk plastered on her face, _almost seductively._

 

_The girl knows exactly what she’s doing._

 

She was never one to be intimidated. Mina was well aware of her own capabilities. But for some strange reason, she finds herself frozen whenever a certain raven haired girl comes her way. She found herself curiously peeking over her shoulder, stealing a glimpse or two. Mina reckoned the girl was prettier up close.

 

_As if being an exceptional dancer wasn’t enough, the girl has to have an extraordinary vocals too._

 

Mina just sat there, in awe, as the girl belted an RNB song, body moving on every beat like a well oiled machine. Nayeon lived up to her reputation, she thought. She’s definitely an ace.

 

Mina bowed her head, thanking the trainers in front after her showcase. Back stretched with her chin up - an inclination produced by her 11 years of ballet training - as she made her way to the side of the room, Sana and Momo giving her a thumbs up. Her eyes made contact with those piercing brown orbs, an unreadable expression on her face. Mina was sure her heart skipped a beat and quickly looked away.

 

She catches herself staring almost too often and Mina wonders if it was because the girl was just extremely _attractive_ or she was developing an _admiration_. She sighed, toying the mixed vegetables on her plate.

 

Sana was the first one to notice. _If there was one thing unbearable about Sana other than her being overly clingy in nature was Sana could read Mina like a fucking open book._

 

“Looks like someone got a crush,” she said, wiggling her eyebrows, a playful smirk on her face.

 

“Wha-what?” she gasped, looking away as she pulled her towel from her duffel bag. She felt rather sweaty all of a sudden.

 

“You’re staring,” Sana averted her gaze and Mina followed it but looked away sheepishly when she saw Nayeon swigging her water, laughing with another short-haired trainee. “Can’t blame you, she’s hot.” the older one added and Mina was sure her cheeks were burning red now so she stomped her foot, uttering a soft _“That’s it, I’m out.”_ and quickly made her way out of the door.

 

She was imagining it. She was sure. Nayeon would never openly stare at her _like that._

 

It was after another showcase. Mina practiced conscientiously, day and night. Even earning a few bruises here and there. She wasn’t normally this hard on herself but this time she felt out of her element dancing a hip hop song. So she decided that she wants to impress all their trainers or a _certain co trainee_ for that matter.

 

Mina wasted no time bending over displaying her flexibility, as she dances to the beat. Her eyes were hazy as she let herself lose in the music. She mentally applauded herself when she saw people gawking at her - definitely didn't saw that performance coming from someone classically trained like her. It wasn’t until she turn around that she met those eyes again. Nayeon with her head cocked to the side, an odd expression on her face. Mina squirmed when the other one didn’t bother to look away but only offered a wicked smile. _Mina stayed up late that night._

 

They have gotten close over time. Sana was the one to be thanked _(or blamed)_ for pushing her to approach Nayeon. She would never forget how embarrassing it was as she stood there awkwardly, asking for a picture like one of her fans.

 

If there was one thing she would have never expected from Nayeon - _who was very intimidating she must note_ \- was the girl was clingy too, much like Sana. And it was _really really hard_ to ignore the growing butterflies in her stomach whenever Nayeon was in a particularly tenacious mood.

 

“Mina,” she murmured as they snuggle up on the tiny velvet couch. Mina wonders why Nayeon decided to nestle up with her when there’s three _damn_ unoccupied couches around.

 

Mina thanked god that she was pre occupied by the game on her phone to even mind Nayeon’s soft hand caressing her stomach. Fingers drawing small circles absentmindedly.

 

Mina hummed, too inebriated by the fact that Nayeon’s breath was hot against the sensitive spot on her neck now. She gulped, when Nayeon nosed at her even more.

 

“I’m hungry, let’s go grab some ramen downstairs, please?” she asked, lips pouting, eyelashes fluttering ever so slightly.

 

And who was Mina to say no to that?

 

It was an intoxicating thought. The image of the girl interestingly flashing through her mind every night, heck it doesn’t go away even in the morning. She finds herself tossing and turning on her small bed, a tug on her stomach she couldn’t explain.

 

_She would never forget that one time an interviewer asked them what's their type and Mina almost mentioned Nayeon's name._

 

It was her first time to feel like this for someone - not to mention a _girl_ and that thought alone makes Mina perplexed with a matching soft whine against her pillow.

 

The butterflies never left no matter how much Mina quash it. In her defense, Nayeon was giving her a hard time to. Especially when she’s _very very very touchy_ and Mina couldn’t hide the spreading redness on her features. She silently cursed herself every time Nayeon would compliment her, _“Wow, Mina, you look gorgeous on that skirt.”_ she mused as she winks casually, which leaves Mina a babbling stuttering mess. _She was curious if Nayeon ever noticed._

 

Nayeon doesn’t mean half of the things she says or do most of the times, Mina was sure of that. She never really meant it that one time when she said she wanted to kiss Mina or those times when her hand lingered too long against her hip. Mina doesn’t want to get her hopes up.

 

It was months after their debut that Mina accepted that Nayeon was _way_ out of her league.

 

Nayeon was beautiful, a fact that everyone with a proper vision knows. And it was only a matter of time before boys _and girls_ appreciate her charm.

 

Mina could only watch through gritted teeth, slightly thankful that she has mastered the art of poker face, as she eavesdrop to a boy coyly making a conversation with Nayeon. She bit her lip, refraining herself from rolling her eyes as Nayeon giggled lightly. Nayeon was just being polite, she knows, she couldn’t blame Nayeon that even the most meaningless form of words from her, come out as _flirtatious_. Still, it makes Mina heave, how the boy blushed as he eyed her like he even have a _considerable_ chance with getting into her pants - not even discreet in the slightest.

 

Months have passed by and the stupid crush still wouldn't go away, Mina thought, as she lays there on her bed, fingers fumbling her plushies, eyes fixed on the rather boring painted walls of their room. For some reason, she couldn't stop thinking about kissing Nayeon. She had to blame herself for logging in on her private account, scrolling through new posts from their fans when she stumbled upon a picture of Nayeon - lips curved _deliciously_ in a pout and her heart fluttered involuntarily. She wonders how it would feel against her own.

 

She almost felt embarrassed about fantasizing on the older girl.

 

Mina was merely just thinking out loud, when she felt warm skin against her own. She didn't exactly planned it out, really. But when Nayeon’s full lips grazed hers, all better judgment were out of the table.

 

_And well, it all goes downhill from there._

 

Mina never knew what to say after their _little experiments_ or what she thinks Nayeon would call it. She have never done those things before. And really, what was she supposed to say to her long standing crush without confessing and ruining everything?

 

So she dumbly settled to hesitant kisses and _thank yous._

 

_Or ignoring her presence._

 

It was intolerable, the growing butterflies in her stomach or the warm pool between her thighs - she wants to kick herself, Nayeon doesn't even have to do anything other than the bare minimum of breathing.

 

So she tried so _hard_ to suppress it.

 

Nayeon hates her now, it was apparent by the way she would glare at her when she's around, boring two holes against her skull. By the way her jaw would clench whenever Mina’s attention was focused on other members. She could only squirm and shrug off the tension building inside her.

_Nayeon wasn't the one to blame. Mina was the one who fucked it up for the two of them, anyway._

But Mina couldn't help it - she’s only human with rather _complicated feelings_ \- the way her eyes burn and her skin crawl when she saw Nayeon leaning against the hallway, with a viscous look on her face as she banters with another idol who Mina didn't care enough to regard.

 

Nayeon was _undeniably alluring_. They could have been talking about the weather for all Mina cares and Nayeon would never lose the glint in her eyes.

 

Mina didn't miss the way the other idol leaned in to whisper something and she almost gag.

 

Nayeon noticed her presence finally and narrowed her eyes at her with an indecipherable expression. Mina stared back with her _perfectly mastered fake smile_ and made her way to the dressing room.

 

Mina didn't miss how the door shut, lovk clicking when she looked up and saw Nayeon fuming as she made her way towards Mina. She sighed because honestly, she was too tired to deal with Nayeon right now.

 

“What do you wa-” she was cut off as the older girl shoves her against the dresser. Lips enclosing hers eminently.

 

Which was why she was in her current position. Hips involuntary bucking against Nayeon as she draw tight circles against the smooth skin of her lower stomach.

 

“I don't know what you're up to, Mina,” she whispered against her ear and Mina couldn't help but tremble in the way Nayeon's voice lowered a pitch, “But you keep messing with my head.”

 

~~Nayeon never knew she has been messing with Mina’s heart since day one.~~

 

Mina whimpered as Nayeon poked her tongue and softly licked the outline of her jaw, “Nayeon,” she murmured. This clearly only spurred the older girl as she continues down sucking hard, teeth scraping the sensitive skin just above her collar bone, “Nayeon, no - no marks _please_.” as she pushes Nayeon’s shoulder lightly only to moan when she stroked her tongue against it, leaving open mouthed kisses.

 

And before Mina could latch her fingers on Nayeon's soft locks, the older girl pulled away abruptly. Mina almost knocked herself out but quickly managed to stay still. Dazed eyes met Nayeon's who was scowling at her. Eyes darting everywhere to Mina’s half opened eyes, mouth agape, chest heaving frantically, a livid fragment of skin on her neck and just below her left shoulder, sheer top slightly hoisted up to her tight stomach. _Undoubtedly admiring her mess._

 

And then there was a faint knock against the door and someone calling Nayeon's name, _probably_ Momo. Yet, not one of them braved to move. They just stood there holding each other's gaze. Until she heard another knock and Nayeon sneered and rolled her eyes, “I’ll be right there” she yelled back smoothening her skirt and wiping the side of her lips as she made her way out, not even bothering to look back.

 

Mina had a hard time covering her marks and partially gave up when she couldn't hide a _much_ darker spot.

 

“What's that on your neck?”

 

Mina pursed her lips feigning ignorance as her brows furrowed. _Damn it._ Sana could be a little too keen sometimes.

 

Mina just shrugged and mentioned about accidentally eating something she was allergic to.

 

Mina wished she missed when Sana squinted pass her poker face, certainly unconvinced.

 

_No one has to know._

 

 

 


	4. Questions and Confessions

_Mina loved her._

 

The first thought she had when she opened her eyes, faint light from the hotel window shyly illuminating her room.

 

_Mina loved her._

She thought, while she was sitting on the chair sleepily, the makeup artist already busy hiding the growing dark circle under her eyes.

 

_Mina loved her._

 

She thought, “Nayeon, it’s your turn!” the photographer seizing her out of her reverie as she nods flashing that rehearsed commercial smile.

 

Mina loved her. Yet, she never noticed.

 

Nayeon was staring blankly at the busy road of Osaka, as her manager recites her loaded schedule for the day. Her head was spinning awfully - maybe it was the jetlag - from the memories of the last time she was here.

 

_When I was in love with you?_

 

“...and a fansign event later at five in the afternoon.” her manager trailed carefully and Nayeon flashed her a tired yet grateful smile before turning to the car window again.

 

_All of them apparently, except you._

“Tell me, Unnie,” Nayeon said, a faint curve on her lips, “Do I have time to spare in between?” she asked, a jaded glint on her eyes.

 

_Will I ever see you again?_

_Probably._

Her manager gave her a small smile and a sympathetic nod, “Yes.”

 

 

 *

 

It was already two days after her spontaneous visit at Mina’s studio.Yet, she never heard from the younger girl. Nayeon exhaled a breath of frustration as she buries her face on the script she was reading yet failing to fully apprehend.

 

“What’s wrong?” her manager asked with wary expression, “I can cancel if you’re not feeling well.”

 

“Oh no, just a little weary but I’m all good,” she replied before focusing on the paper on her lap.

 

“Matters of the heart?” her manager teased, raising an eyebrow.

 

And Nayeon could only flash a small smile before shaking her head. _If they only knew._

 

 *

 

She scoffed, downing her wine as she lights a cigarette, letting the smoke fill her lungs. Of course Mina would never show up. _What do I expect? And who am I to expect anyway?_

  
The words that left Mina’s mouth still ringing inside of her mind like a daily reminder for her to regret. It would probably just add to the never ending list of her what if’s which she will bury deep down in the hopes that it will also be forgotten.

 

She bit her lip and closed her eyes, remembering those times eight years ago when she met Mina, five years ago when she’s with her and three years ago before she left. Yet, there’s no signs that Mina was in love with her. Nayeon groaned. _Was I that naive?_

There was a low knock, pulling Nayeon from her drowning thoughts. She quickly threw the butt on the bin and made her way to the door.

 

_Mina._

“I-I’m sorry,” Nayeon murmured as she closes the door behind her, “I didn’t think you would show up,” she continued, taking the robe and clutching it tightly around her body, “I just came back from a shoot.”

 

Mina gave her a once over and bit her lip. The older girl was donning a _sinful_ red bodycon dress perfectly hugging her curves all over, low neckline accentuating her cleavage, and plump lips covered in lightly smeared dark red lipstick.

_Mina didn’t mean to ogle but it was a sight to see._

 

“Me neither.” Mina replied bitterly which Nayeon didn’t fail to notice.

 

“Right. Make yourself comfortable,” Nayeon said warily, motioning to the couch of yet another spacious hotel room, “I’m just gonna change. Give me a minute or two.”

 

Mina nodded and gingerly settled on the nude velvet couch and closed her eyes. She could run away now, while Nayeon’s not around, she thought. Run away before she does something she might regret later. But instead she sat there unmoving, and scanned the room. A box of pizza, a half full glass of red wine, and a bottle of sangiovese occupying the table.

 

“Have you, eaten?” Nayeon asked, now wearing a plain white cotton shirt and joggers. And Mina thought that no matter how much she loves Nayeon wearing a tight dress, she preferred it better.

 

Mina just shrugged.

 

“I only have pizza and wine here, sorry.” Nayeon flashed a dismayed look, “But we could order room service if you want.”

 

“Pizza will do.”

 

They ate in silence. Every second feels like tedious hours. Mina hated it. Hated the whole situation. How could they just eat pizza together like there's nothing going on in between. _It was absurd._

 

“Staring at me isn’t exactly _talking_ ,” Mina said taking a bite of her food.

 

“Hmm?” Nayeon hummed sipping her wine, quickly averting her gaze.

 

“So?” Mina raised her eyebrow.

 

“What?”

 

“Talk.” Mina breathed out exasperatedly.

 

“This wine is divine,” Nayeon flashed a shy smile, pouring another glass and handing it to her “Try it.”

 

Mina took a sip and gave Nayeon a small nod.

 

“Is it really normal to have this kind of weather in Japan?” Nayeon arch her neck, revealing a velvety portion of her skin as she pat them with a napkin, “I’m sweating bullets.”

 

“You’re nervous,” Mina said matter of factly - _stamping the image of Nayeon’s tempting neck_ \- as she look at her hands holding the bottle, “Your hands are shaking.”

 

“What? No,” Nayeon whined and Mina didn't miss how her cheeks slowly turned crimson. _It was probably just the wine._

 

“Nayeon,” Mina sighed as she toyed on her own glass, “Stop beating around the bush. What-”

 

“Why did you come to see me that night?” Nayeon murmured cutting her off, furrowing her eyebrows.

 

_Here we go._

“Just curious about how you are.” Mina said trying her best to sound indifferent.

 

“And?”

 

“That’s it.”

 

“I don’t think so.” Nayeon murmured, shaking her head as she finally met Mina’s gaze. Mina’s heart constrict and felt something odd building inside her stomach. It was overwhelming - _the longing, the hope_ \- that the younger one had to look away quickly before losing herself.

 

Yet, it bizarrely infuriates her. Mina let out a scoff making sure that the other one hears it.

 

“Why did you kiss me?” Nayeon brooded.

 

Mina kept her mouth shut, jaw clenching as she glare at the girl in front of her.

 

But it didn't stop Nayeon.

 

“Why did you tell me you were in love with me?”

 

“I don’t know, alright?” Mina groaned, gripping the glass tightly it might break into pieces, “You were there and suddenly I was kissing you. I don’t know!” she hissed.

 

“I think you know.” Nayeon mumbled eyes fixed on the table.

 

Mina didn’t answer and just continued glaring. The way Nayeon’s tone was almost _accusing, interrogating_ made her face burn. There was something about the older one’s irreproachable demeanor that makes Mina enraged, blunt nails leaving crescent moon on her palms.

 

Nayeon just stared at her, blinking, a trace of faint smile on her lips, “Why are you looking at me like that?” she slightly bowed her head, shaking it lightly, “Like there’s something wrong with me. Like you hate me.”

 

“I’m not.” Mina said dismissively, leaning back and crossing her arms on her chest.

 

“Why are you so angry?”

 

“I’m not. Damn it.” Nayeon flinched, Mina’s sharp voice bouncing in the vast confines of the room.

 

“Calm down, Mina.” Nayeon said softly, right hand reaching to soothe Mina’s which the younger one quickly swatted, “Can't we finally talk like what adults do? Without having to sp-.”

 

Mina laughed bitterly, “Oh, I'm sorry. I don't think we have a _remarkable history_ when it comes to talking.”

 

“Because you're always like this!” Nayeon spat back frustratingly so.

 

“Wow, that's rich. When you’re always the one who tries to _deny everything._ ”

 

Nayeon hates it. The way she met Mina’s dark eyes, glowering at her, chest pounding echoing her own, lips pursed in a tight line. She pressed her palms against her forehead trying to calm her raising mind, gathering all restraint she has.

 

“Mina,” Nayeon swallowed the thick lump building in her throat as she draw small circles against her throbbing temples, “I just-just wanna know what you think and feel. Talk to me.”

 

“What do you want from me exactly, Nayeon? I already answered your question. I don't know where this conversation is going.”

 

She shook her head defeatedly. She should’ve predicted this from Mina. It has always been like this. _Do I really have to do this on my own?_

 

Nayeon sighed, “I kept on thinking about what you said,” she muttered, looking up searching for Mina’s eyes albeit scornful, “About loving me and,” Nayeon took a sip to calm her growing nerves before she continues, “And I want to know if you still feel the same.”

 

Nayeon held her breath, the room felt extremely cold all of a sudden.

 

“I have a girlfriend.” Mina replied, sensibly. A fact that never escaped Nayeon’s head.

 

Yet, all reasoning were _obscured_ by Mina’s presence. It was all consuming and gripping at the same time.

 

“I know, but,” she said, lips twitching ever so slightly. _Please don't say it. Please don’t._ “Do you want me?”

 

“You’re unbelievable.” Mina replied, shaking her head, mouth twisted wryly.

 

It just made Nayeon’s throat dry, stomach tightening as she grows more and more impatient with Mina’s cold facade.

 

“Just answer the question.” edge of frustration seeping through the older girl’s tone.

 

“I’m leaving.” Mina replied, voice thick with spite as she stood up and collected her belongings on the table.

 

_Of course you are leaving, Nayeon thought._

 

“Shit, Mina,” Nayeon cursed as she grasped Mina’s arm with fierce pressure, body responding before her logic, “Just answer the fucking ques-.”

 

“Yes, I do,” Mina shrieked, recoiling from the other girl’s touch, “Are you happy now? Are you happy that I still keep on coming back to you?” she continued, pushing Nayeon off.

 

Nayeon just stared stupidly as Mina fumed, cheeks flushed with redness, her cold facade slowly crumbling to pieces.

 

“You don’t understand! You never did,” she added with unrelenting voice, “ _I want you and I hate you._ That’s just how it is. Damn it.” she laughed resentfully as she wipe the tears on her face. Mina was half sobbing now, slender legs failing as she let herself sit on the floor, hugging her knees, and it felt like a stab on Nayeon’s gut to see her in this state.

 

_Coward._

“Mina,” her own voice cracking as she levels herself with the younger girl, “I’m sorry, Mina,” her own hands finding its way to caress Mina’s, she sighed when the younger one didn’t pull back, “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to ambush you like this,” soft thumbs wiping away the tears and caressing Mina’s tinted cheeks, “Mina, look at me.”

 

The dreadful look reflected on Mina’s eyes was enough to make Nayeon shudder.

 

Nayeon wants nothing but to take it all away. So she did the best way she knows how.

 

Mina trembled as Nayeon presses their lips together. It was just a chaste kiss until Nayeon let herself nose on Mina’s cheek, warm digits stroking her jaw gently. Nayeon started pressing kisses all over Mina’s face trying to calm the other girl down - from her forehead to her left eye, her nose, her cheek, her jaw, on the corner of her lips. Mina sighed as she closes her eyes when Nayeon kissed her again. This time it lingered. Quivering lips starting to feel Nayeon’s plump one’s.

 

It was Nayeon’s turn to sigh when Mina started kissing her back albeit hesitantly, lips moving faintly as her cold hands move to Nayeon’s who’s still caressing her face. They kissed for a while, it was slow and languid until they have to pull away to catch their breaths.

 

They stayed still for a moment, eyes fluttered closed and forehead pressed together. Nayeon guided Mina up, holding her by the waist to support her. She looked at Mina with hazy eyes, their breaths ghosting each other’s mouth. Nayeon was feeling lightheaded, submerged in the fact that she has Mina in her arms again. _She was that selfish, she knows._

Mina laced her arms around Nayeon’s nape, fondling on her soft locks and it was enough for Nayeon to lean in and capture Mina’s lips with her own. They started slowly again, Nayeon pressed Mina on the dense wall of the room almost leaving no space between them. Their kisses started to grow more and more heated and demanding, lips tangled in steady rhythm.

 

Nayeon experimentally poked her tongue out and brushed Mina’s lower lip before sucking it. Mina let out an indistinct moan and hastily pulled away.

 

Dazed eyes locked with each other. Mina’s brown orbs were fluttering ever so slightly, mouth slightly agape as she stared intensely with an equally stupefied Nayeon. The older one was unable to think properly as Mina buried her face on her shoulder and started nuzzling on her neck, _“Nayeon,”_ she trailed.

 

Mina’s voice was thick and heavy and made Nayeon bite her own lip and grip Mina’s waist harder. _“Mina,”_ she whispered searching Mina’s eyes. There was no need for words at this point, a small nod from the younger girl was all it takes for Nayeon to grab her softly and guide her to the bed.

 

Mina was kissing Nayeon sensually now, tongue grazing the insides of her mouth and it was enough to drive her crazy. The younger one guided her to sit on the edge of the bed as she stood between Nayeon’s legs. Nayeon just sat there unable to move as the younger one pulled away from the kiss, eyes never leaving hers as she took off her dress revealing her in nothing but underwear.

 

_Mina was certainly desirable._

 

It has never escaped Nayeon’s mind that the younger one was now probably more experienced than her. Even though Nayeon has had a fair share of hook ups before, she have never been with a girl. Other than Mina.

 

_While Mina on the other hand-_

Nayeon shook her head and gulped as Mina straddle her and pulled up her shirt. Mina’s hands were everywhere and it was all too much and Nayeon couldn’t help but whimper when she started nibbling on her left ear. Mina finally pushed her off to lay down on the bed and kissed her once more. It was only a matter of time before she made her way down, kissing every skin that was exposed before her. Mina reached back to unclasp her bra in pure precision before taking the soft nub between her lips, her free hand stroking the other in circling motion. Nayeon had to bit down her lip hard to cease the moan that was about to spill.

 

As if it was not enough, Mina kissed her once again, hands travelling down as she fondle with the hem of her sweatpants. Mina gave her a look and she nodded before the younger one pulled it off together with her underwear in one fluid motion.

 

_Nayeon wasn’t so used of not being in control, yet here she was, laying on her back, fully exposed and offering herself before Mina._

 

Mina’s eyes were half lidded as she presses open mouthed kisses on her lips, hand slipping down her body as she parts her thighs gently. _“Oh god,”_ Nayeon moaned when her fingers met the wetness in between her legs. Mina buried her face on the side of her neck, mouth still pressing and nibbling, as she started drawing circles with a fast pace. Nayeon was a whimpering mess, eyes slipped shut, hair sprawled on the bed, hands desperately latching onto anything at this point.

 

It was all too much until Mina slipped a finger and had Nayeon squeal in pleasure, _“Fuck,”_ she hissed before kissing Mina again. _It was overwhelming_ \- the kisses, their hot breathes, their slick skin against each other, that she found herself unconsciously meeting Mina’s rapid thrusts. It wasn’t long before she trembled between Mina’s arms, biting down the younger’s one lips way too hard she tasted a faint taste of blood.

 

They kissed passionately once more and Nayeon guided Mina on top of her as she sat up and leaned in to meet her lips, her back against the headboard. It was all tongue and teeth at this point and Nayeon groaned when Mina lead her hand into her underwear. Mina sighed when Nayeon finally touched her, her hand finding its way to clutch onto the older ones shoulder.

 

Nayeon could only watch when Mina arch her neck in bliss as she experimentally slip her finger inside, exploring eagerly. Mina whimpered when she hit a particularly deep spot and it spurred her even more as her finger move ardently. The younger one was practically grinding on her now, chest heaving rapidly against her own. The ungodly sounds that slipped past Mina’s mouth was all too compelling. And in one swift motion, Mina jerked, delicate body shuddering as she collapses on top of Nayeon.

 

They stayed still for a while, entangled on each other. Nayeon mindlessly stroking Mina’s back, nuzzling on her shoulder. No one was brave enough to make a sound, afraid they might blow up the bubble they have created - _where Mina and Nayeon were in each other’s arms and nothing else matters._

 

_If we could only stay like this perpetually._

 

Until Mina shuffled slightly and Nayeon felt her tremble from her grasp, a quiet sob leaving her mouth.

 

“What’s wrong?” Nayeon asked alarmed, turning away to face Mina.

 

“I-I have to go. I’m sorry, I’m-” Mina stuttered as she moves away slightly.

 

“Mina, what’s wrong?” Nayeon asked once more, this time lifting Mina’s chin to meet her gaze, “Look at me.”

 

“Everything,” she replied, looking away as she buries her face on Nayeon’s shoulder, “Please don’t look at me. This-I’m not,” she stammered almost incoherently, “I’m not like this, I’m not a cheater.”

 

Each word was like a punch in the throat or someone stabbing her chest and twisting the knife slowly.

 

Nayeon despises it, yet it was the truth. _When the truth is told all the lies has to fold._

 

“I know,” Nayeon replied quietly, her words hanging in the darkness of the night, “I know, Mina, but-” she continued carefully.

 

“Please stay?”

 

_A question and a confession all the same._

  
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

  
Nayeon was just messing with her, Mina knows. She mentally curse herself for still being flustered and too obvious as she blankly stare at the food placed in front of her. They just finished a radio interview and decided to drop by a restaurant to eat before they go home.

 

Mina peered at her side and saw Nayeon casually feeding Jeongyeon with meat using her own chopsticks. She didn’t mean to narrow her eyes at them, definitely not, as they giggle about something that’s definitely not of Mina’s business.

 

“Whoa, Unnie, what are you doing?” Chaeyoung asked, flashing a confused smile as she look down on Mina’s plate. Mina was unconsciously stabbing her own food apparently.

 

She gulped and just shrugged as she continued eating, although she has lost her appetite already.

 

_“Can someone give Mina a korean name?” the interviewer asked._

_Silence._

_“Im Mina.”_

Probably something that’s also meant nothing. _Typical Nayeon._

 

 *

 

Jihyo was the one to be blamed for finding herself in yet another embarrassing situation like this. She took a mental note and decided that it was never a good idea to leave her bed. Ever.

 

She doesn’t even want some hot chocolate in the middle of the night, especially, knowing she might stumble into a _certain someone._ They already had their fair share of small talks and lingering stares for the day and Mina’s heart could only take so much. But Jihyo was brash and loud and Mina could only sigh as she was dragged by the hand into their kitchen.

 

Sana and Nayeon was in their usual position while watching their favorite drama, they’re seating on the couch with their blankets wrapped around their body. It was dark, the faint light and the soft sound of the television were the only ones filling the room.

 

Jihyo who was quite sleepy, just gave the two older girls a nod while Mina who was walking behind just quietly followed the leader, not bothering to acknowledge the others afraid of catching their _(her)_ attention.

 

Mina just sat on one of the stools as she passively observe Jihyo prepare the hot beverage mumbling about how her day went.

 

“Try it?” Jihyo asked after a while, offering a spoonful to Mina.

 

Mina shrugged and leaned in to taste until-

 

“What’s that?” Nayeon asked out of nowhere, surprising the two that Mina almost spit the liquid on the other girl, “It smells nice,” she continued. Mina just watched ineptly how Nayeon took the spoon - _that was previously in her mouth_ \- from Jihyo and helped herself by scooping some from the pot before capturing it between her lips, sucking, tasting. “And taste nice too. Can I have some?”

 

Jihyo just flashed her a smile and briskly left the kitchen adding that she’ll give Sana too. Nayeon on the other hand poured some on her mug, mouth fairly touching as she blows on it before her lips slowly enveloped and finally savoring the taste.

 

“You like it?”

 

Mina flinched, she haven’t even realized she was staring too long, “Ye-what?” she stammered.

 

“The drink?”

 

“I-yeah,” Mina bit her lip, refraining herself to falter even further, “Yeah, I like it.”

 

Mina risk a peek on her side. Nayeon was casually leaning on the kitchen island, the girl was wearing a black boy shorts revealing her long legs and a loose thin cotton shirt, so thin that if you squint you can actually see the outline of her - _fuck_.

 

“What?” Nayeon asked, eyes narrowed at her.

 

“What?” Mina practically squealed, her voice a pitch higher betraying her innocent front.

 

Nayeon shrugged, “You look like you’re going to say something,” she said as she exited the kitchen.

 

Mina groaned as she collected all her nerve to return to her room once again hoping that the older girls would just ignore her presence. She took a deep breath and made her way out wearing her poker face. She shuffled slowly and realized that Jihyo was nowhere to be found and was probably on her bed already sleeping soundly. Mina was about to breathe a sigh of relief when she almost got away before Sana called her out in the darkness.

 

“Minari,” Sana purred, and Mina doesn’t even have to look to know she’s pouting, “Are you going to sleep already?”

 

“Yeah,” Mina replied indifferently. She wanted to cut this conversation as short as possible.

 

“Alright,” Sana shrugged, “C’mere give me a kiss.”

 

It was normal for Sana to be like this, yet Mina still found herself gritting her teeth and wanting to just be swallowed up by the ground. It doesn’t even help the way Nayeon was watching the whole situation with a blank expression on her face. Mina was slowly getting impatient. She wanted to just get it over with so she swiftly made her way to Sana and gave her a peck on the cheek before continuing on her way to the room.

 

“What about your Unnie?” Nayeon asked almost too innocently that Mina froze on her feet. _Shit._

 

Mina turned around only to see Nayeon with a now curious expression on her face. She bit her lip before averting her gaze to Sana whose focus is already fixed on the television once again.

 

Mina gave her a quizzical look.

 

_What the hell are you doing?_

 

Nayeon just cocked her head to the side, gesturing on her cheek.

 

_You’re unbelievable._

Mina just gingerly walk towards her and leaned in, their faces were too close that she could feel Nayeon’s breath. And before she could even press her lips on her inviting skin, the older girl beat her to it. Mina swallowed the gasp that almost slip her mouth, grateful for the dim light hiding her flustered face.

 

“You like it?” Nayeon asked, repeating her _question_ earlier.

 

“Yeah,” she blurted out silently, practically _confessing._

 

Mina basically darted to her room right after, not missing the smirk formed on Nayeon’s face.

 


	5. Unspoken Answers

“Nayeon,

 

As much as I want to talk and say this to you, I think I wouldn’t be able to really find the right words to describe how I feel right now. I’ll probably need some time and space to think about things. So please don’t come and see me. Or even call me.

I need to go. Take care of yourself.

 

Mina.”

 

Nayeon read the note that Mina left on the bed side table, the words were written in korean which she supposed to understand easily. Yet, her mind was failing to process the whole situation. She was alone, naked in the bed with no trace of Mina other than her jasmine scent that somehow transferred onto the wrinkled sheets and her soft pillow.

  
  


Nayeon brushed her eyes, grasping the pillow onto her chest as if memorizing the last trace of Mina she has left. She gulped and read the note again and again until it finally hit her that Mina was gone, her heart sank down to her stomach.

 

What if she stayed up and didn't sleep? She could’ve convinced her to stay.

 

Nayeon felt sick as she feels something poking behind her eyes. She stared on the small paper blankly, unable to move.

 

She should’ve expected this.

 

Her phone went off suddenly and saw a message notification from her manager.

 

“Rise and shine! Let’s have a great day ahead, shall we? :)”

 

Nayeon ignored the message and buried her face on the soft pillow with a silent groan. What a great way to start the day, indeed.

  
  


*

 

Nayeon was a busy person.

 

She definitely is.

 

Being an idol was never easy. Aside from being constantly booked for shows and shoots there was this connotation that they all have to be perfect on the eye’s of the public. Being in the public scrutiny was the least that Nayeon would want to be right now so she always thank her manager for taking care of her very well and only accepting offers that’s consistent with her image - tough yet alluring. But sometimes, Nayeon would feel like she was trapped. Don’t get her wrong, she’s more than grateful for where and what she has right now but the constant feeling of being caged or held back from doing what she wanted to do was distressing.

 

If she has free time, Nayeon would stay in her apartment located at the heart of the busy street of Hongdae. She would occasionally go out and do some shopping and visit her favorite restaurants, with of course being accompanied by her manager and some bodyguards. Nayeon would sometimes meet up with either Jeongyeon or Jihyo to have lunch or dinner. Their schedules don’t usually go well with each other so it’s very rare that the three of them would meet up unless there’s a very very important announcement to make that couldn’t be done on video calls. It’s great, really. Nayeon was convinced that her friends were the only ones that kept her sane until this day.

 

In between her breaks she would find herself in conversations with her managers and other staff. Nayeon enjoyed talking and listening to them. There’s a different feeling of being surrounded by people much older or wiser than she was. It made Nayeon feel secured. It was a refreshing feeling.

 

So all in all, Nayeon got much much better things to do other than reading the note Mina left that night again.

 

Nayeon was at loose ends for weeks. She would find herself unable to sleep almost every night, the image of Mina was constantly bugging her mind causing her to toss and turn on her queen size bed, pacing around her apartment for no reason, busying herself from memorizing the scripts she discarded on the table in the corner of her room, and too distracted to even listen on the MCs during the award shows she would attend.

 

Yes,

 

Nayeon was losing it.

 

*

 

“Say that again? Myoui Mina?” Jeongyeon asked almost choking on her milkshake, “As in Myoui fucking Mina?” she cocked her head to the side, raising both her eyebrows.

 

“I don’t think we knew other person who’s also named Myoui Mina, do we?” she shrugged, taking a sip of her iced coffee.

 

She thought about this the moment Jeongyeon invited her to their another what the short-haired girl calls a “catch-up date”. Where they would fill in each other of their time spent apart. It’s a clever notion really, how their friendship never changed.

 

There was a silent agreement between them, however, to not talk about the whole disbandment thing. They have all accepted that it should remain in the past and the past alone. Curiously, she would feel before that both Jeongyeon and Jihyo are careful to talk about their ex-members especially a certain japanese girl. Nayeon just shrugged, brushing off the questions she has on the tip of her tongue. It only made sense after she had met Mina once again.

 

It was no secret anymore that her best friends have known Mina’s true feelings before. Still, she debated whether it’s really time for her to talk about what really is and was going on between her and Mina. It wasn’t like she doesn’t trust her best friend but the idea of finally telling about what happened so as to admit her true feelings were beyond terrorizing.

 

But if Nayeon won’t be able to let it out, it would drive her crazy.

 

“Well damn,” the short haired girl scoffed, laughing slightly, “It really is a small world,” she continued.

 

“She visited me,” Nayeon said with a careful voice, “On her own.”

 

“Well, that’s interesting,” she replied, eyebrows meeting in the center.

 

“I visited her too,” Nayeon blurted out, “In their studio. She was alone though. Momo wasn’t there.”

 

There was silence and Jeongyeon’s eyes which were formerly playful now serious - were fixed on her like she was scrutinizing Nayeon, as if she already knew where this conversation is going.

 

Nayeon waited but Jeongyeon stayed silent, sipping her drink, and leaning back. Nayeon bit her lip and gulped, holding onto the side of her chair for some kind of assurance that this is okay. She’s okay.

 

“We slept together.”

 

Nayeon’s chest was beating rapidly as if she just ran a marathon. She looked up and saw Jeongyeon with an unreadable expression, she was not budging either so Nayeon took it as an indication to continue.

 

“B-but she left before I even wake up. I think it was frustrating and unfair.” Nayeon blabbered, looking down on her fidgeting hands on the table, “She just left a note before leaving and it says that I should not v-visit or call-”

 

“Did you?” Jeongyeon cut her off.

 

“What?” Nayeon looked up, confused.

 

“Visited or called her after?”

 

“No.”

 

“Good. Please, tell me that this is just a one time thing.”

 

Jeongyeon’s face was curious and serious at the same time. Her voice was stern and it’s very rare for her usually frisky friend to act this way unless she really meant what she said. Afterall, she knows Jeongyeon was only concerned of the reality that Mina has a fucking girlfriend. Not to mention it was Momo for christ’s sake.

 

Still, there was no denying the rapid beating of her pulse impending to crush her chest violently and the throbbing of her forehead. Her throat was getting extremely dry as she tried to swallow the urge to declare her own feelings.

 

What does she truly feels, anyway? She thought for a moment, massaging the bridge of her nose. She was a mess. A fact. Her life was a big mess concealed by a perfectly rehearsed smile, fancy outfits, and dark red lipstick. When she’s with Mina though, she feels free of all inhibitions - almost reckless. Then and now. It never changed. And the thought of being with Mina and spending time with her was, frustratingly thrilling. And it reminded Nayeon that no matter how fuck up she was, after all, she still has a bit of sensibility in her.

 

“Jeongyeon,” Nayeon trailed, her voice was low and cautious, “I-I think I love her.”

 

Nayeon confessed before she could even stop herself. There was no hiding at this point, she felt naked and exposed as she stripped herself from those hardly spoken three words.

 

“You told her that?” Jeongyeon asked.

 

Nayeon shook her head, “I haven’t realized then.”

 

The younger one just nodded as if to acknowledge her statement. Her brows still furrowed and her mouth pursed in a tight line as if she was deep in thought. She gave Nayeon a look and the older one squirmed on her seat. She closed her eyes and sighed preparing herself for whatever Jeongyeon’s about to say.

 

“So, because you slept together you suddenly love her?” she asked, more so pondered to herself. Her tone wasn’t laced with any hidden contempt in them. Yet, it made Nayeon shrink, almost vulnerable, as Jeongyeon probe on her feelings even more, “Do you love her or do you love being with her? There’s a difference.”

 

It was as if she slapped Nayeon with a cold towel. In her mind, Nayeon was laughing bitterly to herself. Of course, Jeongyeon knew her more than she knew herself. No matter how tall the walls she built around her, she’s always out and open to dive in for certain people.

 

If she were truly being honest, she wasn’t sure if it’s really love. Have she ever been in love before? She was not sure. But if it isn’t, she couldn’t pinpoint it anymore.

 

“You know I love you, right? You’re my best friend,“Jeongyeon pulled her from her trance, “Look, you haven’t seen each other for a long time. I get it. You’ve always been attracted to each other, and well, we could confirm that the attraction is still there. Mina loved you, did she tell you that?” she asked and Nayeon nodded hesitantly, “But that was before, Nayeon. She has a girlfriend now, you have to think about that especially. It’s not just a random someone either, it’s Momo, Nayeon.”

 

None of her words seem to condemn the older one, Jeongyeon was merely stating facts. Nayeon was speechless and as much as she hated it, Jeongyeon was right. Yet, the rapid beating of her heart feels like it won’t slow down anytime soon.

 

Maybe it was really just attraction, Nayeon gave it a thought. A part of her thought that maybe that explains how her body seems to act on its own accord whenever she’s with Mina. But another part of her is telling that whatever she’s feeling for Mina wasn’t as superficial as that. There’s a deep seated feeling inside her albeit vague - like a void. It’s like an emptiness aching to be filled.

 

It was confusing to say the least. But Nayeon knew she naturally wasn’t canny on discerning her own feelings let alone handling it.

 

“When was the last time you went out, anyway?” Jeongyeon pulled her from her thoughts once again, “Have you even dated, like really dated anyone after that Mr.-Perfect-Heir-of-a-Million-dollar-Company-Blue-Eyed-Boy?”

 

Nayeon scoffed and made a face. Recalling how that certain relationship of hers ended. It wasn’t a serious one, anyway. To put it simply, Nayeon wasn’t perfect in handling relationships. Nayeon’s first priority was of course her career and as soon as she would sense her partner becoming more needy, she would drop them in a heartbeat. It became a defense mechanism, somehow. One thing she hated more than anything was being patronized, like a trophy being triumphed upon then toss around when they already achieved their intended purpose - bragging about dating Im Nayeon. It wasn’t healthy.

 

Well, it was fun while it lasted.

 

Nayeon replied with a shrug and a slight shake of her head.

 

“See, you need to go out more,” Jeongyeon said, a faint smile on her lips, “Explore. Maybe you’re mistaking this ‘Love’,” she made a gesture with both her hands, “To something that it’s not.”

 

Nayeon was staring blankly, unable to really consider what she was trying to say.

 

Jeongyeon sighed, “You get the gist, right?”

 

“No.”

 

Jeongyeon reached out and landed a playful hit on Nayeon’s head, “God, you’re stupid.”

  
  


*

 

Nayeon was pacing once again in her apartment living room. It was dark, the only faint light seeping through the curtains was from the beautiful moon outside. She gazed on the wall clock situated on the top of the 110-inch television, 12:36AM.

 

Nayeon should be sleeping soundly in her bed right now, especially when she has a 4:00AM wake up call later for her rehearsals. But here she was, walking back and forth, a cigarette trap in one hand and a glass on the other.

 

She would occasionally peer on the center table - a bottle of vodka, an ashtray, the note, and her phone spread out like an open temptation.

 

She closed her eyes, she was getting dizzier by the second. Maybe because her body was screaming sleep right now. Or maybe because her her mind was telling her something else.

 

Nayeon took a drag letting the smoke fill her lungs as she ease the heavy thumping of her heart and the knots in her stomach. She slowly made her way on the couch, staring vacantly on the table. Nayeon was frozen like a useless inanimate object. Inside, she could hear something screeching, Do it. Do it. Do it. Except there’s also a muted voice at the back, probably the reasonable one, reminding her of restraint. The former one was louder.

 

Nayeon defeatedly waved the white flag, surrendering to temptation.

 

She hesitantly pick up her phone, a few scrolls and Mina’s number flashed on the screen. She gulped not even thinking twice if the younger one was still awake anymore as she pressed the number. She held her phone closely, gripping tight as she hear the phone ring. Nayeon felt cold, each ring felt like a beat echoing her thumping pulse. Until she heard Mina’s voice.

 

Nayeon held her breath.

 

“Hello there!”

 

The soft voice was so familiar that she could imagine Mina saying it infront of her. And Nayeon almost replied before the voice continued.

 

“I’m sorry I couldn’t pick up your call right now. Just leave a message and I’ll answer as soon as I can. Bye.”

 

A voicemail. Nayeon sighed, closing her eyes as she grip the phone tighter, almost crushing it. She peered at the screen and dialled the number once more. Again, it went straight to voicemail.

 

She pressed the number again and again, she was not sure if she wanted to really speak with Mina at this point or just hear her voice even through the voicemail.

 

Nayeon gave up after some time, flopping on the couch, staring blankly on the ceiling. She remembered about the note and read it for the third time of the day.

 

“I think I wouldn’t be able to really find the right words to describe how I feel right now.”

 

She thought of all the possible feeling Mina could have at that time. Mina could hate her, she could. After all, they were in this swirling hole because of Nayeon. She knew better than crossing the line. But what if Mina love her too? Mina willingly jumped into this mess with her, anyway. But Nayeon knew she couldn’t give herself hope, not to mention a false one.

 

Nayeon closed her eyes and briefly contemplated about what Jeongyeon said a few weeks ago. What if she’s mistaking this feeling for something that it’s not? The wiring inside her head was tangled at this point. For now, she let herself be swallowed up by her tiredness and fell into a deep slumber.

 

*

“Thank you Seoul!” Nayeon beamed as she wave, “Let’s have fun again next time. Be careful on your way home!”

 

The image in front of her were nothing short of breathtaking. The lights were scattered in waves resembling a constellation. And Nayeon thought she would never get tired of seeing it. The crowd was roaring - like always - and it makes her heart soar in ways she would never be able to explain.

 

And Nayeon smiled to herself as she slowly disappear from the stage.

 

That concludes her tour. Finally.

 

She bowed and thanked everyone for a job well done. A couple of congratulations, a few pictures here and there, and Nayeon made her way to her dressing room.

 

Nayeon wheezed when she opened the door.

 

Jeongyeon.

 

“What?” Jeongyeon mocked as she stood up from her seat, “Not prepared to see me?”

 

“You said, you would not be able to come.”

 

“Of course, I would. I won’t dare miss something this important, silly.” Jeongyeon smiled and gave Nayeon a pat on the head. If you knew Jeongyeon well enough, you’ll be able to tell that it’s how she shows her affection.

 

“Now, now.” The younger one smirked, “We should celebrate, shouldn’t we? You got,” she gave her watch a quick glance before continuing, “15 minutes to change. I’ll be waiting here.”

 

Nayeon groaned. Jeongyeon has been nothing but pushy these past few weeks, convincing Nayeon to go out which she declined numerously.

 

“But-”

 

Jeongyeon narrowed her eyes, “You only got 14 minutes left.”

 

The club was nothing but sweaty bodies, sticky cigarette air, and alcohol induced bad decisions.

 

Nayeon reminded herself as she down her 5th - no, 6th? Maybe 7th - shot of tequila. She lost count after Jeongyeon basically shoved her shots after shots.

 

“I’m going to be wasted if you continue giving me,” Nayeon choked as she felt the alcohol burn her throat, “Whatever this is.”

 

“If you don’t drink to get wasted, then what’s the point?”

 

Nayeon sat on the rounded couch, lighting up a cigarette as she gaze down the crowd below. Being up in the private booth gave her the unrestricted view of sweltering bodies swaying and molding into each other. It’s a perfect view, only if her vision weren’t blurry at this point.

 

Nayeon inhaled a puff and lazily peered at Jeongyeon flirting with god knows who.

 

She thanked god that the younger one finally gave up playing cupid and introducing random people to her. Nayeon couldn’t careless, she’s not really in the mood for a meaningless hook up tonight. Not when there’s a certain someone in her mind.

 

Between the cloudiness of her mind and her unexpectedly blistering body, Nayeon was able to take her phone. She clumsily scrolled to the familiar name and dialled the number. Nayeon knows she was being careless.

 

A couple more calls and Nayeon stopped. Mina won’t answer, she should be able to tell by now. Mina was probably sleeping soundly on her own - no, with momo. Mina with Momo. Suddenly, the image of the two flashed through her mind like an overt motion picture she couldn’t stop. She’s feeling dizzy.

 

Nayeon stood up, she was feeling sick. “Where’s the toilet?” she slurred. Jeongyeon pointed somewhere and before she could even ask if she was okay, Nayeon was shuffling in between unfamiliar bodies.

 

She felt her guts being torn apart somehow. She tried to puke, but nothing came out. Wiping her face, she made her way out of the bathroom and desperately - and clumsily - started typing on her phone. She’ll regret this later.

 

Nayeon: Mina. I can’td stop tihnkign about you

 

In her hazy drunken state, she realized that this was probably the lowest of low.

 

“Hey, are you alright? A muted voice

 

The deep loud bass of the music going along her breath and resonating her pulse.

 

Nayeon: Please, please ansqwer mu calls

 

“Nayeon?” A worried voice. But it wasn’t Jeongyeon’s

 

She felt sorry as soon as she pressed send. So much for self control. She couldn’t keep living like this.

 

“Jinyoung?” Nayeon looked up, perplexed.

 

Sometimes, not getting an aswer is the answer.

  
  


xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

“Oh come on!” Sana whined as she settled down between Chaeyoung and Tzuyu, “Don’t be a party pooper.”

 

“I’m not.” Jeongyeon narrowed her eyes, “I just hate this game, the questions always end up being salacious. Plus, there are kids!” she made a face, “Why can’t we just binge watch netflix?”

 

“Hey, I’m not a kid.” Chaeyoung pouted and the others smiled in fondness.

 

“Where’s the fun in that?” Sana argued.

 

“Alright, alright,” Jihyo butt in, “We’ll watch whatever you all want to watch after we play this game. Fair enough?”

 

Jeongyeon and Sana just both shrugged.

 

Time flies so fast, indeed. There was still a part of Nayeon that couldn’t believe that this was all real. It’s already their third year anniversary as a group, yet, Nayeon felt like the time was squeezed into one single year.

 

Nayeon sighed in adoration as she peered at her members. Her heart was fluttering as her lips curve in a smile.

 

“Whatever,” Jeongyeon’s voice pulled her from her thoughts, “Let’s play this ‘Never have I ever’ game to get it over with.”

 

They started to form a circle on the center of the living room. Nayeon squeezed herself between Momo and Dahyun. She look up and saw Mina with a bottle of soju and a glass, seating right across her.

 

If she would describe her relationship with Mina right now, she would say, casual. They’re friends, but not too friendly like they act before. Casual would be the perfect word, yes, if you were going to pay no attention to the fact that they make out a lot, like a lot. But still, it’s all casual.

 

The game started with an empty bottle spinning on the center, and before Nayeon knows it she was taking shots after shots. Nayeon remembered how she hated this game after all.

 

“Never have I ever secretly dated an idol.” Jeongyeon said, gazing on her side, “Drink up!”

 

Sana scoffed and took the shot along with Momo which didn’t really garner a surprise from the others.

 

“This game is unfair,” Sana said, wincing.

 

“You started it,” Jeongyeon replied, mocking as she spins the bottle once more.

 

It pointed out to Jihyo, she pondered for a moment, “Never have I ever made out with another girl.”

 

Nayeon almost choked. She froze as she stared on her glass, debating whether she should drink up. Her members doesn’t know but one person in this room knows for sure.

 

“Are you kidding me!” Sana whined in the background, realizing she have to drink yet again.

 

She risked a peek on Mina who was downing the liquid in her glass. Oh.

 

Oh

 

The other girls were gasping in the background, clearly shocked.

 

Mina met Nayeon’s eyes for a moment before the younger one looked down only to see her glass still full. Mina looked away but Nayeon didn’t miss the disappointed look in her face and her eyes, they look...hurt.

 

The older girl was still unable to process what was happening before Jihyo carried on spinning the bottle as she teased Mina demanding for her to spill the details later.

 

Nayeon felt like the biggest asshole on earth.

 

The game ended and almost all of them were half drunk at this point. The younger ones - Dahyun, Chaeyoung, Tzuyu - bid their goodnights and made their way to their shared room.

 

The rest were comfortably settled on the couch, focused on the show Jeongyeon has suggested. Nayeon grab some blankets and gingerly sat beside Mina.

 

“Hey.” Nayeon whispered.

 

“Hey.” Mina replied without looking at Nayeon.

 

“A-are you cold?” Nayeon bit the side of cheek.

 

Mina just shrugged.

 

Nayeon grasp the blanket and laid it on covering both their bodies. They stayed close for a while before Nayeon leaned closer, resting her head on Mina’s shoulder. Mina sighed and Nayeon smell a hint of alcohol. Nayeon nuzzled even further and she forgot how she misses being this close to her friend.

 

It was dark, the faint light from the television illuminating the room. Maybe it was because of her alcohol clouded mind that Nayeon decided to rest her right hand on Mina’s thigh, caressing the thin fabric of her shorts. Mina’s breathing hitched in her throat as she felt Nayeon’s fingers slowly inching towards her inner thighs.

 

Nayeon lazily peered at her members who were still transfixed on the television, as she nosed at Mina’s neck, leaving open mouthed kisses here and there. Mina cocked her head to side giving Nayeon more room to explore as she poke her tongue slightly, licking her jaw. Nayeon looked up and saw the younger one biting her lip, as she suck harder on her pulse point. Mina let out a moan which she quickly concealed into a cough.

 

“Mina, you okay?” Momo asked.

 

Mina just nodded unable to form words as Nayeon’s fingers scratch the soft spot of her inner thigh. The older one smirked, and continued her ministrations. Mina’s breath were getting labored as her fingers slowly inch more and more closely to her underwear. Feeling a little bolder, Nayeon nipped Mina’s earlobe and reached the side of her underwear. Nayeon felt a rush within her stomach because considering all their make out sessions, they’ve never reached this far. Not to mention, the fact that they’re not alone just made it more thrilling. Mina held her breath as Nayeon sucked harder on her neck, fingers shyly brushing the lines of her underwear to the side, and before she could even move her fingers more, Mina jerked upwards, standing up albeit wobbly, which earned a confused look from the other members.

 

“Is everything alright?” Momo asked for the second time, worried.

 

“I-yeah, I j-just feel sick,” Mina gulped, “I’m sorry but, excuse me.”

 

Nayeon watched her waddle, as she disappears from the hallway. She debated whether she should come after Mina.

 

Fuck it.

 

“I’ll check up on her,” she said quickly shuffling.

 

Mina was making her way towards their shared bedroom.

 

“Mina,” Nayeon called out but Mina wasn’t budging, “Mina, wait!” she said, grasping her arm.

 

Nayeon wasn’t sure how but Mina was able to shove her hard against the wall. Slender arms pinning her shoulders, “What the hell is wrong with you?” she hissed.

 

A beat. Mina was glaring at her, her warm labored breathing grazing on her chin. Nayeon felt vulnerable for a moment before Mina slowly eases her hand as she looks down, “Are you that ashamed of what we do?”

 

“What?” Nayeon asked, dumbly.

 

“Of course,” Mina took a step back and met Nayeon’s eyes.

 

Mina’s eyes were hooded and glazed, as if she was hiding something, as if she was about to...cry. Mina turned around and was about to leave before Nayeon gripped on her wrist.

 

“Mina,” she trailed, “Was this about the game earlier?”

 

Mina winced and Nayeon knew she struck a chord.

 

“I-I know,” Mina stuttered, “That this - this is j-just fun and fooling around to you but-,”

 

“Wasn’t it to you?”

 

Nayeon had to cut in. Mina confuses her like always and she was getting more and more impatient by the second.

 

This was the very first time they would talk about their situation, and it’s awkward and messy like what Nayeon had always imagine.

 

Mina turned to face her and closed the gap between them. It all happened so fast that Nayeon had to grip Mina’s hip for some sort of balance. Mina’s kisses was slow and sensual, making her weak in the knees. Mina trailed her tongue on her bottom lip and sucked it steadily. Nayeon moaned as she return her kissess with equal fervor. Mina’s mouth was warm and sweet and Nayeon was dazed, here in the middle of the hallway with Mina’s body against hers.

 

Mina sighed as she broke the kiss, pressing her forehead against Nayeon’s. They stayed like that for a moment before the younger one pulled away and kissed her on the cheek.

 

Nayeon could only watch Mina disappear through the door.

 

Mina didn’t answer her question.

 

But maybe answers aren’t always spoken.

 


End file.
